Stock Market Implodes for No Reason
CBT.MarketWatch.com
Last Update: 3:22 PM ET April 8, 2004
LONDON (CBT.MW) - After an initial, amazingly strong opening based on solid fundamentals, the stock market plunged to new yearly lows for absolutely no reason. As reported on CNBC earlier today, life is wonderful, business is booming, jobs are plentiful, interest rates are a blessing, the Federal Reserve is almost deity-like, and the government is making life easy on every citizen. SUV sales are very strong, and every American should own at least one. Gas prices, while going up, are nothing to concern SUV owners. Loans are free and, did we say already, LIFE IS GOOD.
Technology is making new strides and changing life as we know it. Although steel and other commodities are at high prices, it does not matter because technology will make commodities obsolete very soon.
Kudlow and Cramer reported just this morning that 9 out of 10 Americans will soon be rich beyond their wildest dreams if they will just buy any stock that has a price to earnings ratio of over 50 and stop listening to all other news other than CNBC. Please keep Mr. Kudlow in your thoughts. He hyperventilated on air near 3:00 PM today when the markets began to drop. The entire cast and crew began to chant "YAHOO, YAHOO, WE LOVE MONEY and WE LOVE YOU" and quickly revived him. Cramer had to be pulled off the air as he was using the F-word excessively when describing gold investors and commodity traders, while suggesting our government "send some attack helicopters to bomb the bejeebers out of those lousy miners." No one knows why, but gold rose $75 during the last 10 minutes of trading today.
The Federal Reserve will be dropping interest rates to -.25 percent in order to get the "beautiful and glorious economy back on track." The Whitehouse is making an appeal for "every American to go and borrow as much as they can" in order to "buy some more Japanese necessities and invest in the stock market." "Every American should own 5 TVs and 15 technology stocks", said a Whitehouse spokesperson.
Although gold is up another $50 after hours, experts expect the markets to rally tomorrow on the news that McDonalds will be manufacturing a new "happy cow" burger which is only triple meat and cheese drizzled in the shape of a happy face. Training for this job will be quick and easy, so new jobs will be created. Bolstering that beautiful and amazing news, tech company IPIX has announced that they will be releasing a new toilet camera that will be placed in every new home in America to search for potential terrorists. "Even terrorists have to go, and we will be there to catch them when they do", said a spokesman for the company. Whitehouse officials released a statement saying no laws are being broken under the new Homeland Defense bill. |
