"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it."
-Jay Leno
"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune."
-Jay Leno
"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle."
-Craig Kilborn
"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him."
-Jay Leno
"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton."
-David Letterman
"The Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it, voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war.
I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him."
-Jay Leno
"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!"
-Jay Leno
"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage."
-Conan O'Brien
"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues."
-Jay Leno
"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came forward to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'"
-Jay Leno
"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women."
-Jay Leno
"John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It's a whole different game."
-Jay Leno
"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had."
-Jay Leno
"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive.
Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best.
The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers.
Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely."
-Jay Leno |
