If only what I wrote below had happened.
[NOTE: I wrote the below parody on March 19, 2001, 2:03 AM. Bush delivered his start of the war speech on March 20, 2001]
caabu.org
Dear Mr. Bush and Dear Mr. Blair,
Thank you for visiting our proud nation, a nation steeped in the history of mankind. Please note there's a bottle of some of the world's finest scotch whiskey, so pour yourselves a drink, set back and read on.
Since you are now reading this note, you've probably realized that our very fine military force did not fight you. Instead we welcome all of you into our country.
Perhaps you do not yet realize that Iraq is a nation which wants only to rebuild its infrastructure, improve its social, cultural and educational institutions and especially
provide for the many needs of our people and their particular right to economic self-determination.
More than anything, we want to become a normal country again. We want the hardship our people have endured, from your long stay of enforcing sanctions, to be over and done with. Yes, we want our people, for the first time in a very long time, to actually feel as though they have a future.
We further want to become an ally to other nations and participate in fair trade with respect to the valuable resources our nation can offer the world and we, of course, would like to try out some new things ourselves.
Now I understand that each of you share a fear of terrorism in the world. I remind you there are many people in the world in other nations who've shared this same feeling, this before the tragedy of the 9/11 incident. As you know, we have deep sympathy for our Palestianian brothers and sisters, who, themselves, have long lived in fear and this same fear has now spread to the Israelis. And, if you think about it, there are folks living in Asia, Africa and in South and Latin America who also share a similar fear.
Indeed, terrorism must end for all people!
Toward this end, I'm very surprised you never requested my assistance to help you in your coalition against terrorism, this Al Qaeda organization inherently being no friend, but rather an enemy of myself. I'm surprised you didn't reach this same conclusion.
Regarding the wars our nation have been in over the past two decades, well, there was a lot to them and perhaps niether of you fully understood why we did what we did. Perhaps some day in the future we can all sit down over drinks and I'll fill you in with more detail about them.
But, right now, let's get down to the issue at hand, especially since you've gone through all of this effort and expense to get into my country. You do realize that I would have invited you to visit me, however, you asked me to leave so consequently I'm not here to meet you.
Anyway, now you have, by virtue of your military now being here, nearly 300,000 weapons inspectors in Iraq. This complement indeed can cover the whole of our nation. Please feel free to go anywhere you like in your efforts to find what you think is here. I'm already on record as telling you that no such weapons of mass destruction exist. However, since you wish to search yourselves, you're more than welcome.
I've given orders to all of my people and they are to help you in any way they can. If you need their assistance while on your path to find these weapons of mass destruction, I'm certain you will find each and every Iraqi citizen more than helpful.
In three months, I'll get back in touch with you. Should at this time you're still not satisfied, I'll contact you again three months after that. It's my sincere hope that 300,000 of you searching could at least accomplish a comprehensive search of Iraq that will meet your satisfaction.
At the conclusion of your search, once you're absolutely willing to admit to the world, and to yourselves, that there exist no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, well, then I'll return to my duties as president.
Do know that life for me has been difficult and I actually could use the time off. Perhaps you don't even realize that you're doing me a favor, as I'm sure to be resting comfortably on a tropical island somewhere.
In closing, it was nice of you to find it important enough to visit. I do hope you enjoy your stay in Iraq and hope you get an opportunity to check out our Hanging Gardens of Babylon. They are beautiful, aren't they?
Well, that's all for now. I hope we meet soon, maybe over drinks and a fine game of chess.
Sincerely Yours,
Saddam
PS: Oh, I hope you don't mind. Knowing this situation would happen like it has, I've also invited the French, Germans, Russians and Chinese to join you. Perhaps they'll help you with your search and you'll all have a great time together.
[EDITORS NOTE: Oh, but for the ideal world--lol!] |
