Dubya takes the Mickey out of Moore
LINWOOD BARCLAY
The president's secretary popped her head into the Oval Office. The president was at his computer,
being shown by the vice-president how to use his new Photo Shop program, figuring out how, with
just a few keystrokes, to turn a picture full of coffins into a bunch of kayaks.
"Excuse me, Mr. President?"
"Hmmm, yes?"
"Your two o'clock appointment is here?"
"Refresh my memory on that one?"
The vice-president cleared his throat and said, "You remember, George. Your friend from Florida?"
"Gee Dick, is my brother Jeb here?"
"No, George, it's Mr. Mouse."
"Oh, of course." To his secretary, the president said, "Show him in, would you please?"
From where he was sitting, the president almost couldn't see his visitor. Just the tops of his huge, round ears bobbing along b ehind
the couch. But the president got a good look at him once he came around the side of the desk.
"Mr. Mouse, a pleasure to see you," said the president, on his feet now, but having to bend over to shake his visitor's white-gloved
hand. The vice-president smiled and offered his hand as well as Mr. Mouse hopped up on to the desk and perched himself on the
edge.
"Hi, Mr. President and Mr. Vice-President!" said Mr. Mouse in a high-pitched, excessively cheery voice. "Listen, I've told you before,
call me Mickey!"
"Of course, Mickey," said the president. "So, I understand... it's done."
"It sure is!" said Mickey. "That Michael Moore movie we were supposed to distribute is terminated!" Mickey giggled. "With extreme
prejudice! Isn't that what you guys say?"
The vice-president smiled devilishly. "That's exactly right, Mickey. Let me ask you," and the vice-president leaned in, whispering, "did
anyone see you?"
"Everyone!" said Mickey. "Everybody in the whole world knows!"
Now the vice-president looked concerned. "Uh, Mickey, we were hoping this could be done quietly."
"Me too!" said Mickey. "But everyone's blabbing about it, especially Michael Moore!"
"Curses," said the vice-president, reaching up with one hand to twirl a moustache that was not there. "Oh well, I guess the important
thing is, it's done, right George?"
"Mickey," the president said, "did you have a chance to see the movie before you killed it?"
"Golly, yes!" said Mickey. "Pluto and Minnie and I watched it! It was the silliest thing I've ever seen! All about how your family has
three decades of dealings with the bin Laden family, and how you got all the bin Laden relatives out of the country right after 9/11, and
Pluto and Minnie fell right asleep!"
"I see," said the president.
"It was SO boring, and yet, at the same time, SO scary!" said Mickey. "Not a kids' movie at all! If you liked Brother Bear, believe me,
you are not going to enjoy Fahrenheit 9/11! We're doing the children of America a favour, keeping this movie out of theatres! Instead,
they should go see the latest Jason or Freddy movie! It's a lot less scary, that's for sure."
"You've done good, Mickey," said the president.
"We've got one other favour, if we haven't imposed too much already," said the vice-president.
"Oh heck, go ahead!" said Mickey cheerfully.
"You got one of those suits, that the people walk around Disney World in, big enough to fit Donald Rumsfeld?"
"I think we've got a Goofy suit that would work!"
"That sounds perfect."
"You betcha!"
The president slipped an arm around Mickey's tiny shoulder, handed him a cigar with the presidential seal on the wrapper. "You're a
stand-up guy, Mickey," the president said. "You're always welcome here. I want you to consider my house your house."
"Golly! So it's like, a Mickey Mouse White House!"
"Exactly," said the president. |
