Time To Eat Your Words
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back, or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
testimonials of a few people who did.
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word. He knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the
boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the
door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year
old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my
taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go.
He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew
that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time
he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and
yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to
death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat
down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best
laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did
he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing
so hard! |
