Life Insurance Industry Backs Kerry, Praises His "Wonderful Pessimism"
by Jake Novak
Embracing Senator John Kerry as the candidate who best supports their cause, the nation's leading insurance executives and salespeople gathered in Hartford, CT today to pledge their support for the Democrat's presidential candidacy.
"Bush's new campaign ad says 'pessimism never created a job,' but I've got a fat $1.2 million annual pay check right here to prove that's a load of bull," said Robert Kerzner, executive vice president and director of The Hartford's individual life division. "Pessimism is what makes this industry go, and man, ever since Kerry got started, it's been go-go-go!"
Kerzner was lavish in his praise of Kerry's "incredible, infallible negativity."
"I mean, he's just a downer about everything!" he gushed. "Jobs, healthcare, Iraq -- he even brings up Vietnam once every few seconds for good measure. People get all morose after listening to him and start thinking of the worst, and that's when they become easy marks for our sales force."
Kerzner's thoughts were seconded by the CEO of another leading life insurer who wished to remain anonymous.
"The bottom line is, nothing makes you realize how close to death we all are more than a few minutes with John Kerry," he said. "This guy getting elected is going to sell more policies than 9/11 and the war in Iraq combined."
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