Why Bush can't talk:
WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS DIFFICULT TO LEARN!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which are not sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese.
So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that
you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes, I think all the English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. What other reason could there be for saying that people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Or, ship cargo by truck and send cargo by ship?
Or, have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can
the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell on another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when
they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Or, met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly
or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to
marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. People, not computers, invented English and it reflects the creativity
of the human race (which, of course, is not a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather
than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish"
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will
make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes
are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary
"o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! |
