What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds Mature.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man? I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows.
Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "where?"
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? To keep the swelling down.
What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women"
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just One. Men will screw anything.
How do men take bubble baths? They eat beans for dinner.
What is a man's idea of foreplay? One hour of begging...
How can you tell if a man sexually excited? He's breathing.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head...
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can understand them too..
Why are blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them.
What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares...
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I don't know it's never happened...
Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?? Because they ARE stupid....!
How are men and parking lots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left, are handicapped....
Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum underneath.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
What does a man consider a 7-course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
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