John Kerry Caught in Gay Love Affair with His Hair
08/17/04 PORTLAND, Oregon
Reliable sources in the gossip industry are reporting that Senator John Kerry has been caught carrying on a gay love affair with his own hair.
"They're deeply, profoundly in love," revealed a Kerry campaign insider who says she's personally seen the pair in the throes of passion. "The senator just lavishes his hair with gifts, they go everywhere together. You should see his eyes glaze over whenever he talks about it."
Kerry, while not acknowledging the affair, did offer some advice to other men in gay relationships with their hair in GQ magazine: "Be sensitive--that's the key. You have to pamper it, listen to its moods, caress it," Kerry advised. "Never take it for granted. And most of all, spend as much of your wife's money on it as you possibly can."
True to his word, Kerry treats his hair to regular pampering at the hands of hairdresser-to-the-stars Christophe, whose clients include Barbara Streisand, Goldie Hawn, Farrah Fawcett, Nicole Kidman, and Bill Clinton. (Clinton's $200 Christophe haircut on an airport tarmac has since become political legend.)
But there may be trouble in store for the newly-outed gay couple. Sources close to vice-presidential candidate John Edwards tell our RealStupid Hollywood reporter that Edwards' hair and Kerry's hair are now locked in an intense rivalry for Mr. Kerry's affections.
"The first time Senator Kerry laid eyes on Senator Edwards' hair, it was pure chemistry," the insider revealed. "Mr. Kerry told me that in his judgment, there hasn't been a more beautiful shock of hair in Washington since Bobby Kennedy's."
Responding to the Democratic candidate's hair affair, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger called Kerry a "girlie man" while absentmindedly stroking his own perfectly sculpted hair.
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