JOHN KERRY'S LOVE CHILD--SCREECH!
04/15/04 PACIFIC PALISADES, California
Evidence has surfaced that John Forbes Kerry fathered a bastard child in 1977 while visiting Bayside High School somewhere in southern California.
John Kerry John-John Kerry
The child is television character actor Dustin Diamond, best known as 'Screech' from the high school sitcom, Saved by the Bell.
The FBI is soliciting genetic samples to confirm Kerry's paternity, as is television host Maury Povich.
Experts have already calculated a 98.98% chance that Diamond is Kerry's son based solely on photographic comparisons of their faces.
"That couldn't happen twice in Nature," insisted a forensic anthropologist while comparing plaster casts of Kerry and Diamond's heads. "It's like that face on Mars--a one in a million thing."
"The resemblance is uncanny," agreed a photo analyst who moonlights as a screenwriter. "If someone wanted to produce a Saved by the Bell Christmas Carol, with Screech playing the part of Scrooge, but Dustin Diamond had had massive plastic surgery to make himself look normal, Senator Kerry could step right in and play the role without any makeup or prosthetics. Who thought that would ever be possible?
"I'm available, by the way," the agent/screenwriter added. "Just in case anybody wants to option my copyrighted Saved by the Bell Christmas Carol concept, you know."
Diamond refused to comment about the allegations but did confirm that he, too, is available.
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