John F. Kerry Chooses Bobby Kennedy's Hair for Vice President
07/06/04 PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania
Democrat presidential candidate John Kerry, long accused of cultivating associations with fellow Massachusetts senator John F. Kennedy, announced today that his running mate will be Bobby Kennedy's hair.
The wavy, boyish hair of the younger Kennedy has been stored cryogenically at the Kennedy compound ever since he was assassinated in 1968, possibly for just such a mission.
"We looked around the party for a credible candidate with a little charisma," a prominent Democrat strategist divulged, acknowledging the dour dullness of candidate Kerry. "But there isn't a shred of charisma out there. Worse yet, Dick Gephardt actually has anti-charisma, which neutralizes any charisma in his proximity.
"So we decided to take a chance and nominate Bobby...er, Attorney General Kennedy's hair."
Not everyone was pleased with Kerry's unusual choice.
"This is outrageous," insisted a leading Republican strategist, "downright Frankensteinian. If that's a word.
"If we had known that hairdos were eligible for the vice presidency, we could have run Reagan's. The Gipper's scalp rates head and shoulders above Baby Kennedy's any day of the week."
For primarily logistical reasons, freshman North Carolina Senator John Edwards will wear former Attorney General Kennedy's hair throughout the 2004 campaign, though it remains to be seen whether Edwards would accompany it to the vice presidential mansion in a possible Kerry administration.
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