HOWARD DEAN'S HEAD EXPLODES, ROSS PEROT EMERGES
01/22/04 BERLIN, New Hampshire
Howard Dean's presidential candidacy came to a grotesque end when his head exploded at a rally in Berlin, New Hampshire, this evening after he went into a frenzy shrieking, "We're gonna beat Bush! We're gonna end this war! We're gonna take back Washington! We're going to Concord! and Nashua! and Dixville Notch! and Wawbee! and Ossipee! and Winnisquam! and Happy Corner! and Waterloo! Waterloo! Waterloo! I am a Berliner! I am a Berliner! YEEEEEEEEEEAWWWW!!!" (RealStory @ telegraph.co.uk)
The predominantly rural crowd, many of whom attended the torchlit rally still carrying farm implements from their day's chores, rushed away from Dean as his head and upper torso erupted into the New Hampshire sky. But they gradually crept back, mortified, when former presidential candidate Ross Perot came crawling out of the gory remains of the erstwhile Vermont governor.
"Don't worry. Just me. Been me all along," a bloody, naked Perot shouted in his rapid-fire Texas drawl. "Took that Dean fella's body. Hollered it out. Hopped on in. Guess I got carried away. Still wanna be president. Vote Perot! Beat Bush! 'Cause we're goin' ta Manchester! and Squantum! and Bowkerville! and..."
A preliminary FBI investigation seems to verify Perot's story, marking perhaps the most bizarre development yet in this extended presidential campaign season.
"We've found some Tupperware labeled 'Howard Dean Guts' in a cooler in Mr. Perot's basement laboratory," FBI agent Dr. Nancy Drew-Scully of the Special Cases Division revealed. "It's being sent for testing as we speak.
"It looks at this point like Mr. Perot spent the better part of his fortune kidnapping Mr. Dean and living inside the governor's hollow, bio-reconstituted corpse. The motive appears to be raw presidential ambition."
Governor Dean's wife, Dr. Lilith Steinberg Dean, confirmed to investigators that her husband "had seemed sort of empty lately, and he suddenly stopped drinking decaffeinated coffee. Howard always drank decaf."
Texan Ross Perot lost his bid for the presidency in 1992, but his supporters divided the conservative vote and helped propel Bill Clinton past Perot's arch rival, incumbent president George Bush, Sr.
Known for his stubborn contrarianism and frequent intemperate remarks, the diminutive software billionaire and Reform Party founder came under considerable fire for his erratic and often delusional personality. (RealStory @ hesanut.com)
A stoic agent Dew-Scully remained tight-lipped when contacted by our RealStupid paranormal reporter outside her dank motel room in nearby Gorham, New Hampshire.
"But I didn't order a pizza!" Dr. Drew-Scully, a licensed physician, insisted. "And yes, it does appear that Mr. Perot has been harboring an obsessive hatred for the Bush family ever since they tried to sabotage...er, I mean, allegedly tried to sabotage his daughter's wedding in 1991.
"But no, I wouldn't call him a looney tune. More like an obsessive megalomaniacal control freak.
"Now Howard Dean, that was a looney tune."
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