Al Qaeda to Assassinate Prominent American--Suggestions Pour In
08/11/04 ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico
National security analysts have uncovered an Al Qaeda plot to assassinate a prominent American as a prelude to the terrorist group's next major assault.
As a result, Americans from coast to coast have begun frenzied campaigns to nominate a victim.
The first reaction to the assassination threat occurred at presidential rallies in New Mexico today, where Bush supporters were seen shouting "Kerry! Kerry! Kerry!" while Kerry supporters chanted "Bush! Bush! Bush!"
In major cities across the nation, advocacy groups have sprung up overnight begging al Qaeda to kill celebrities including Paris Hilton, Quentin Tarantino, Donald Trump, Sean Hannity, and the entire cast of Fox TV hit The O.C.
Some of the most virulent activism thus far centers around hotel heiress and reality TV star Paris Hilton. Asked why they desire her death so deeply, members of Paris Hilton Is Burning (PHIB) listed the following points:
1. She's a no-talent slut with a venereal disease
2. She's a slut with no talent and lots of cold sores
3. She has no talent, she's a slut, and she feels a burning sensation upon urination
Radio talk show host Sean Hannity has also been targeted. The website for Assassinate Sean Hannity (ASH) lists the following justifications for his assassination:
1. He's an arrogant, self-absorbed demagogue
2. He's a self righteous media whore who neglects his children
3. He's a shallow, narrow-minded, pompous ass
In a surprising twist, a number of former stars have actually offered themselves to al Qaeda, apparently preferring to be dead celebrities rather than live nobodies. The growing list of would-be victims includes Star Search washout Justin Guarini; rappers Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer; and aging Oscar winner Liz Taylor.
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