George Bush promises to end obesity and world hunger
By our man behind the meat grinder, Robert Carey
In an impromptu broadcast liberally peppered with non-sequiturs and malapropisms, US President George W Bush stunned America today with a surprise announcement that has sent his popularity rocketing off the scale and caused John Kerry supporters to hurl themselves off tall buildings in despair
“My fellow Americans," began the accomplished raconteur with a twitch of his mobile eyebrows, "I know a lot of you feel my administration has a lot to answer for. I hear a lot about our abuseatory treatment of Eyeracky prisoners, but y'know, we'd never have abuseatorified them if they had cooperated with our brave boys — ah, I mean girls. Some of you may be concernified about our support for Israel against the Palestin.. palestinari... er, Arabs, or my theft of the Presidency, but I'm here to tell you that my cousin Jeb — ah, I mean Florida governor John Ellis Bush — has promised to find those missing 206,400 voters if it takes him until my re-election. Others have criticised my poor useification of the English language, but ya know what — I hold a simultaneous opinion about them. Then there are those un-American terrorist synthesizers who claim I ignored world opinion by invading Eyerack, dodged active service during the Vietnam war, contemptuarized the United Nations, and have unnatural connectories with the Bin Laden family. These are darn good questions that deserve an answer and you can be sure that they will be answered, if not today, then tomorrow, because tomorrow is in the future and I am a man who believes in the future."
Households across America listened spellbound — or possibly barfed into their beer — as the master of the incomprehensible neologism warmed to his theme:
“Tonight, I am going to announce the most far-reaching initiatories by any government in the history of the free world, to finally put an end to world hunger and address the worst obesity epidemic this country has seen. I am going to cast aside my customary modesty and say that the solution my administration will implementorialize is all my own deception, and I expect to take full credit for it.
We all know that there are millions of starving peoples in the world, and I know what it’s like to be hungry; why only yesterday my lunch was twenty minutes late and I thought I was going to pass out. But I have a plan, which even though I say it myself, is just about the most innovatory and simple solution to one of the greatest problems facing the world today.
Since I learned that there are as many overweight people in the world as there are starving millions, it seemed logical to me that if we downsized every American who is say, 50% overweight, cut them up, froze them, and turned them into food parcels, we could ship the pieces to Africa. Not only will this radicatory plan put food on the table of millions of undernourished people, it will make a healthy profit for the Halliburton Shipping Company who have kindly offered to provide the transportation. What's more, Dick Cheney has personally promised Halliburton will plough a generous 0.01% of the profits back into the administrative infrastructure to pay for the costs of my re-election.
I have asked Congress to enact a law to force everyone over eighteen years of age to report to weighing stations throughout the country. All those with a 50% surplus in body weight will be shipped to abattoirs specially constructified by my good friend Dick Cheney to be humanely converted into food parcels. I appeal to all obese Americans to ask themselves this question: 'Do I want to be just another second-rate soldier in Eyerack abuseatorifying third-rate prisoners or a first rate second course in Ethiopia?' My fellow Americans, your duty is clear: ask not what you will be served for lunch, but how you may serve lunch for your country!"
Story © Robert Carey. Picture and construction © 2004 utterpants |
