John Kerry's ''Living Resume''
'Oh yeah, well ... well, our guy ... our guy served on the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence for eight years and he was even the vice chairman of the committee, yeah, that’s it, so there, take that. How do you like that?''
''Oops.''
How does this happen? How does a campaign, in a presumably serious run for the presidency of the United States of America, confuse its candidate’s credentials with those of another senator, even if the names are similar? Members of John Kerry’s campaign staff seem to think they are working for former Sen. Bob Kerrey of Nebraska--or maybe they just like his credentials better.
In fact, if John Kerry had Bob Kerrey’s credentials, his campaign staff would have an easier time defending his military service.
This is the craziest thing I have ever seen in presidential politics, because I’ve got to tell you, when I sit down to type up my resume I hardly ever confuse my accomplishments with those of … oh, I don’t know, let’s say the late Joan Crawford.
Sure, we have the same first name. I like to think we have the same sultry, bitchy voice and we definitely have the same trademark broad shoulders. But do I really feel comfortable claiming that I won the Academy Award in 1945 for best actress in the movie ''Mildred Pierce,'' a movie filmed almost a decade before I was born?
I would have to say no; no, I’m sorry, I do not feel comfortable doing that.
Maybe if I were a Democratic politician I could pull it off, but thanks to 10 years of Catechism and CCD classes I have my feet firmly planted in reality.
(Remember Democratic Senator Torricelli who claimed to have watched mob hearings on television before he was born?)
When I heard this Kerry vs. Kerrey mix-up my first thought was, ''What kind of dog-and-pony show is the Kerry campaign running?'' But after some consideration, I’ve come to realize a greater truth: This is symptomatic of the way Democrats view the voting public. They simply think the voters are stupid.
Go ahead lie to ’em, what do they know? Tell them anything, tell them what they want to hear, tell them anything you need to tell them to get elected.
The mainstream press won’t give them the facts. In fact, it was the Republican National Committee, not the mainstream press, that pointed out the error of the fraudulent committee service posted on the official Kerry website.
Apparently, the John Kerry resume is a living, breathing document, much the way Democrats view the U.S. Constitution. It is able to expand and contract, add and delete, ebb and flow, morph and morph again as needed.
So, as a public service, I would like to point out some possible grandiose claims the Kerry campaign might try to appropriate as their own credentials.
If Sen. Kerry, speaking to a group of naval veterans, claims credit for forcing the opening of Japan to the West, please know that it was not KERRY, but PERRY – Commodore Matthew Perry.
And if Sen. Kerry, speaking to a group of Illinois voters, claims that he was once the announcer for the Chicago Cubs baseball team, please know that was not KERRY, but CARAY – Harry Caray.
And if Sen. Kerry, speaking in front of a group of union locksmiths, claims to be able to escape any lock and will even escape from a straitjacket while hanging upside down, please know that skill is not that of KERRY, but of HARRY – Harry Houdini.
And if Sen. Kerry, speaking to a group of moony young women voters, claims he writes the songs that make the whole world smile, please know it’s not KERRY, but BARRY – Barry Manilow.
And if Sen. Kerry, speaking to a group of sports fans, claims that he took the Pittsburgh Steelers to a record four Super Bowl wins, please know it was not KERRY, but TERRY – Terry Bradshaw.
And if Sen. Kerry, speaking at a Three Stooges convention of possible Democratic voters, claims that he made movie shorts with Moe and Curly Howard during the 1930s, please know it was not KERRY, but LARRY, Larry Fine.
And if Sen. Kerry claims to be a Catholic queen – and I have no idea what constituent group he would make this claim to – please know it was not KERRY, but MARY, Mary Queen of Scotts, who was the Catholic queen.
And if Sen. Kerry, speaking to a group of couch-potatoes voters, claims to have a long-running talk show where pool-town hussies slap the rivals of their first-cousin boyfriends who then marry their own uncles who were formerly their aunts and then move into the trailer next door, I say let him take credit for this one, because this dysfunctional constituent group was created no doubt by some Democratic entitlement program. But for the record, it was not KERRY, but JERRY – Jerry Springer.
One final observation on Sen. Kerry came to mind as he spoke at the recent VFW convention in Cincinnati. The sight of baby boomer braggadocio Sen. Kerry, with three purple hearts received in four months’ service and returning without so much as a limp or bad back, speaking of his war expertise to a group of old stoic, long-suffering, long-tour-of-duty-serving, battle-tested, injury-laden, non-fool-suffering World War II veterans put me in mind of a cartoon I once saw.
The cartoon depicted an audience seated in an auditorium in heaven. As a speaker made his way to the podium, an angel pulled the speaker aside and said, ''Before you attempt to impress the audience with your tales of the Johnstown flood, you should know that Noah is seated in the audience.'' |
