AN OFFICER AND A MENTAL MAN
10/07/2004
Everyone knows there are constitutional qualifications one has to meet in order to run for President of the United States: you have to be at least 35 years old, you have to have born in this country, and you have to agree to sit down with your wife and be interviewed by Dr. Phil.
Therefore, last week, George W. Bush and his wife, Laura, met with Dr. Phil and his wife, Robin. This week, Dr. Phil and his wife sat down for a chat with Democratic candidate John Kerry and his lovely but often foul-mouthed wife, Teresa.
The two happy couples talked about everything from their own childhoods to parenting, and that meant one thing for Dr. Phil: he got to ask Kerry, "Did you ever spank the girls?" Naturally this was followed-up by, "Are they naughty girls? Please call them naughty girls."
After several hours and a cold shower, the good doctor was finally able to put the topic of spanking behind him and move on to barely more important topics, inquiring, "You and Teresa did an amazing job of co-parenting. What did you do that made them turn out so well?" Kerry responded, "I married a billionairess... and I read them bedtime stories... solid gold bedtime stories."
Kerry, of course, demonstrated his ability to give strong, clear, consistent answers to questions, answering Mrs. Phil's question of, "Do you think one daughter's more like you than the other?" with, "Yes. No. Well, that's... gosh, I'd like to say yes but I guess... yes. The answer is yes... that's why I hesitate, because, in some ways Alexandra is more like me, and in other ways Vanessa is more like me." The interview was then interrupted by Alexandra and Vanessa Kerry, who stormed in, wearing flip-flop costumes.
Kerry also talked about blending his family and Teresa’s, with a reference to a beloved family tradition, specifically, "We have broom hockey games on Christmas afternoon. We all have shirts with the tomatoes versus the pickles on them." Kerry's advisers then reminded the senator that "the tomatoes versus the pickles" is really not the sort of thing to share with a therapist, 'cause you're gonna be discussing that for a long while.
The awkwardness didn't end there. There was also this description of how Kerry told his daughter, Alexandra, about human reproduction: "Vanessa came home... someone at school had told her about the birds and the bees and she wanted me to explain it. I took a piece of shirt cardboard and started diagramming it, and she was horrified and ran out in tears." It's a cute story, although let's face it: if John Kerry were about to explain sex to you - using a diagram no less - is there anyone in the world who wouldn't run screaming from the room? |
