Shopping for the Insufferably Sanctimonious
David Carr (London) Opinions on liberty
Stop! Have you not raped the planet enough? Is it not time that you lifted your greedy foot from the head of the oppressed?
Put down that cup of steaming, hot coffee right now. Toss that doughnut away. Rip off your cotton T-shirt and consign it to the rubbish tip.
There. Doesn't that feel so much better? And would you not like to feel this good all the time? Wouldn't you just love to luxuriate in the warm, satisfying glow of self-righteousness? Tell me that would not like to tuck yourself up in your cosy bed at night and sleep the sleep of the just?
Well, now you can do all of those things. Yes, those guilty days and sleepless nights are at an end for you too can reach out for the 'Rough Guide to Ethical Shopping':
Along with the usual demons such as Nike and Gap, which are routinely accused of using sweatshops to keep production costs low, are other alleged villains. The fashion label French Connection is accused of having a "feeble" code on ensuring its clothes are not produced in sweatshops, while the Arcadia boss Philip Green, who owns Top Shop and BhS, has refused to join the UK's Ethical Trading Initiative.
Ah yes, the UK's Ethical Trading Initiative. Otherwise known as a 'shakedown'
Bling Bling is a definite no-no unless aficionados can prove their diamonds have not come from war zones where human rights abuses have been perpetrated.
Like the people who buy this Guide can actually afford any sort of diamonds.
Perfume companies such as Calvin Klein are accused of continuing to test products on animals, while Greenpeace recommends avoiding Axminster carpets because of the chemicals contained in them.
Which could be very harmful if swallowed by members of the Carpetmunching Community.
Lovers of the Toblerone chocolate bar may want to think twice after discovering it is owned by the tobacco company formerly known as Philip Morris, now renamed Altria.
No chocolate?!! Damn. Just have to buy a packet of smokes instead.
And those who think they are doing their bit for global warming by shopping on the web rather than driving to an out-of-town mall should beware - AOL, CompuServe, Microsoft and Netscape Navigator are all major donors to George Bush, who infuriated campaigners by refusing to sign the Kyoto treaty on the environment.
Note that the moth-eaten lie about George Bush and Kyoto has now settled into leftie folklore.
The manual highlights some extreme groups, such as the fruitarians, who only eat uncooked foods that can be eaten without harming any organism, which limits them to fruits, berries and nuts.
Go on, have a spare rib. You know you want one. Go on, go on.
Another movement suggests that even the ethical shopping lobby is in the wrong because it encourages purchasing when in fact people should not be buying at all. With that in mind, 27 November has been declared national Buy Nothing Day...
Yes, but in order to find out about it you have to buy a copy of the The Independent and then...D'OH!
Its chunky boots and no-nonsense clothing are popular among public school-educated young men, but protesters claim Caterpillar sells bulldozers to Israel which could be used to bulldoze Palestinian homes.
No-nonsense. Sounds right to me.
Tiger Prawns. Prawn farms in Bangladesh and the Philippines drain villages of water, and pollute surrounding land. Human rights abuses including rape and murder have been inflicted on people forced from their homes to make way for man-made ponds.
Stop the genocidal Prawn Army now. No blood for shellfish.
Asda. Owned by Wal-Mart, which is notorious for anti-union activities in the US, selling guns and donating funds to the Republican Party.
I am pleased to note that the funds have been put to very good use.
Notice how much of this guff is qualified by terms like "accused" and "said by some" and "thought to be".
This 'guide' is just a tissue of po-mo smears, fabrications and wilful ignorance and it would be sinister were it not for the utterly po-faced earnestness with which is presented and which renders it achingly hilarious.
The supreme irony is that the publishers of this guide have concocted a near-perfect advertisement for the very system they purport to be against. The brilliance of capitalism is that it enables people to make all manner of weird, wacky, neurotic and irrational choices. They are not bound to follow any lead but their own and, if labouring under a guilty conscience, salvation is within their own gift. The market is about choices, though not necessarily sensible choices and hooray for that.
I, of course, will make different choices. Now, I wonder if Caterpillar make boots in my size?
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