History Lesson for Today
Division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began some
12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer
and would go to the beach and live on fish and lobster in winter. The 2
most important events in all of history were the invention of Beer and
the invention of the Wheel. The Wheel was invented to get Man to the
Beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization, and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals
and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the Brewery. That's how Villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they
were drinking Beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement".
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's & doing the sewing,
fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some
of these liberal men eventually evolved into Women. The rest became known as
‘girly-men'.
Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy, Group Hugs, and the concept
of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives
provided. Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported Beer (with lime added), but most prefer White Wine
or imported Bottled Water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi,
Tofu, and French Food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary
side note: most of their Women have higher testosterone levels than their Men. Most
Social Workers, Personal Injury Attorneys, Journalists, Dreamers in Hollywood and
Group Therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the Designated Hitter Rule, because
it wasn't "fair" to make the Pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic Beer and eat red Meat & Potatoes. Conservatives are
big-game Hunters, Rodeo Cowboys, Lumberjacks, Construction Workers, Medical
Doctors, Police Officers, Corporate Executives, Soldiers, Athletes and generally
anyone who can and will do Work productively outside government. Conservatives
who own Companies hire other Conservatives who want to Work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the Producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in
Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE of their fair
share of the Beer.
Here ends today's lesson in World History.
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