A History Lesson
The division of the human family into its two distinct political branches occurred some hundreds of thousands of years ago, when humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. The pivotal event of societal evolution was the invention of beer. This epochal event was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so it was necessary to stick close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.
Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. (An interesting evolutionary side note: some of these early liberal men eventually evolved into women.)
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives provided.
Conservative achievements are considered to be anything that irritates a liberal.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. This may be vestigial residue caused by the evolutionary side note mentioned above. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer, They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside Government.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the wild west was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Hence; this brings us to where we are today!
Here ends the lesson in world history. |
