CDC To Study Post Traumatic Bush Disorder
By Douglas O'Rourke - Absurd Press Writer
WASHINGTON, Nov 7, 2004 (www.AbsurdPress.com) -- What
started Wednesday as a trickle of highly nervous patients wandering
into free clinics has become by this weekend a major national public
health crisis as thousands of listless, confused adults flooded
emergency rooms across the country complaining of nausea, vomiting,
insomnia, hopelessness, depression, and deep suicidal thoughts,
muttering, "but the blogs, the blogs..."
The newly discovered illness has been quickly designated 'Post
Traumatic Bush Disorder' (PTBD) by the Centers for Disease Control
(CDC) in Atlanta. "It's amazingly spread by even a brief exposure to
news media," says Dr. Judithe Kranz, Deputy Director. "This is our
first media-borne infectious outbreak, and we're working hard to
contain it. So far, PTBD occurs only in Liberals with exposure to
the voting process." Officials say a meaningful vaccine is probably
at least four years away.
"We had fifty stagger here on Wednesday. By Friday, there were
thousands lined up around the block," says Dr. Harold L. Marx, at
Saint Elizabeth's Hospital ER on Martin Luther King, Jr. Avenue.
Marx continued, "There's no treatment. All we can do is make them
comfortable...so much suffering."
Last week, Mara Kurland, 22, was a college senior and honors
poli-sci major. Now she doubts she'll finish school, have kids, or
ever watch 'The Daily Show' again without crying out loud.
The popular co-ed attempted suicide early Wednesday by trying to eat
38 untouched pizzas from a Kerry victory party. "What's it all for,
anyhow? Is everybody nuts?" she whispered from her Saint Elizabeth's
hospital bed.
PTBD victims often sob delusionally about human rights, broken
dreams, deficits, working poor, environment, big oil, and America's
lost soul.
Republicans are apparently unaffected.
On Sunday, Fox News ran an exclusive interview with Secretary of
Liberal Affairs Ron Silver who said, "The so called 'Blue State Flu'
is just Elite Media hysteria in the wake of a clear mandate. A
little chicken soup and they'll all be ready to join the war
effort."
PTBD is not to be confused with 'Lewinsky Syndrome' which earlier
caused millions to fondly collect and watch videos of Clinton-era
news programs. "As compulsions go, it's a pretty strong one," said
psychiatrist Milton R. Egalt, who treats many recovering liberals at
his busy Rockville practice. "They so long for a peaceful time
bright with hope." CDC findings place Lewinsky sufferers at very
high risk for PTBD.
Meanwhile, Karl Rove, master planner of the stunning Republican
victory was candid, "Just a few losers who won't accept the will of
God and the honest votes of Real Americans. Get over it or move to
France."
He then repeated his healing call for national unity.
When asked if the surprise pre-election Bush endorsement by Jesus
Christ helped the GOP cause, Rove smiled,"Jesus and I met as interns
on the 1972 Nixon campaign, and we stayed in touch. He was kind
enough to do the video amid his busy schedule. A real Pro!"
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