Message 20933309
THE LARK PROGRAM
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn
that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new
division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections, in conjunction with the Red Cross,
to ensure that your care for Ahmed is commensurate with international
standards and those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath, extremely violent, and was trying to kill
at least 20 women and children as we captured him, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help
him overcome these character flaws. I might add that he will bite you,
or worse, given the chance. However, perhaps you are correct in describing
these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills
at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to
keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend
him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is
a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show
violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they
will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time.
Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his
religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our
job.You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.
Good Luck!
Cordially,
Pres. Geo. W. Bush
CC: Donald Rumsfeld |
