I am just having to much fun here all by myself reliving the past.But that's what old crones do, right?
Gosh, we had wonderfully sick senses of humor.
1/10/99-- this one was part of an exchange that I believe could have forever changed the future of Barbie, had some entrepreneurial genius been reading.
I hated Barbie. I hated dolls. I hated those stupid tiny cake mixes that you could bake in little tiny ovens. And little tiny ironing boards and little tiny vacuum cleaners. I grew up and now I hate big ironing boards and vacuum cleaners and big ovens. I don't like little tiny babies much either.
God gave me boys in His great wisdom, knowing that I would be a terrible mother to a daughter. I am filled with admiration for your willingness to put those little tiny shoes on Barbie's little tiny feet. I would probably cut off her legs and get her a little tiny wheelchair. Tell my daughter that Barbie needs to work for her little tiny living. Sell the little tiny Barbie car--she can't drive anymore anyway-Give her a sign and put her out on a streetcorner.
And the brilliant responses,
To: Rambi who wrote (16357) 1/12/1999 2:42:00 PM
From: Gauguin Respond to of 67129
I hated dolls too, Rambi. Creepy things. I think it's best to torture them before they torture you. That's how I see it. I sure wouldn't sleep in a room with any. Sitting on shelves ~ yah right. Looking at you. Sure they keep still - that's the way they are. Look at the eyes on those things sometime ~ evil little chips of victim bone.
You ever see like little naked dolls in the dump? Or missing their heads? Those people wised-up.
They're probably what's wrong with girls.
Stupid doll-clothes. And look at how their head looks after half of their hair pulls out ~ that's got to feel good.
To: Rambi who wrote (16357) 1/12/1999 4:46:00 PM
From: Thomas C. White Read Replies (3) | Respond to of 67129
I would probably cut off her legs and get her a little tiny wheelchair.
Pardon me but...Amputated Barbie?
Well, perhaps you have stumbled onto something here, rambii. Word in the bowels of the Mattel empire is that Barbie was long in the tooth this Christmas season. Perhaps a new set of PC-conscious Barbies might be just the trick. Blind Barbie with Rex the Seeing Eye Dog...Alcoholic Barbie complete with little 12-step book in hand...Codependent Barbie...Bulemic Barbie...
To: Thomas C. White who wrote (16455) 1/12/1999 5:06:00 PM
From: Gauguin Respond to of 67129
Barbie Barbacoas; Barbie With Works; Barbie Bends Over; Barbie At Arby's; I just love the word Barbie.
BTW, has anyone seen those new Stockbroker-Girl Pantyhose?
To: Thomas C. White who wrote (16455) 1/12/1999 5:19:00 PM
From: jpmac Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 67129
Homeless Barbie with Shopping Cart. <eom>
To: Thomas C. White who wrote (16455) 1/12/1999 5:19:00 PM
From: Rambi Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 67129
Excellent! It does seem the logical next step. After all, when I was little, Barbie had a kitchen, cheerleading uniforms, and beauty pageant gowns, and no vagina which conveniently negated concerns about her virginity. Maybe a little heavy petting was going on with Ken in the ruffly pink boudoir of her peptobismol house, but you didn't worry about illegitimate Kenny, Jr. making an appearance.
But then Barbie was liberated- she became a doctor, a lawyer, a PhD; she drove a racecar and skydove, scuba-ed, and played sports. If poor Ken had ever had a penis, it must have shrivelled into nothingness and fallen off at the sight of this superwoman.
She did it all; she had it all. Parents began to complain that their daughters were developing unrealistic ideas of who and what they should be. Mattel decided to make Barbie slightly more human---although I don't know what they did. Did they soften the frighteningly sharp breasts that threatened to disembowel any man attempting to hug her? Take a 1/4" off those long sticklegs? Provide a little pot belly for that time of the month? DId they give her a little make-up kit that contained acne spots and bags for under her eyes? A bad hair day wig?
If not, then I say it's time to bring Barbie into the present--where women are real, where life is real, where she has to deal with Ken cheating on her, with a kid who takes drugs and mugs old ladies, a boss who hits on her at her law firm, a patient who sues her for leaving one of her itty bitty heels in his stomach after she performs his gall bladder surgery, a pink toilet that backs up and spews bad things all over her pink house, and a botched cosmetic surgery attempt.
Let's stop sending our daughters out into the world unprepared, believing that life is a pink cadillac, a man with no penis, and legs that never need shaving!
I nominate us to head up MAttel's new division-- you can design the new Ken- I'll work on Barbie and we'll just see who comes out ahead in the little pink divorce court. |
