Patriotism or marketing?
By Ronald Reagan Jr.
Like many of your fellow countrymen or women, you’re probably pretty patriotic: You sing along with the national anthem at ball games, fly a flag on the 4th of July, and get a little misty when you hear Ray Charles singing “America.”
But questions remain: Can you truly be patriotic enough? Or is it possible to take the whole flag-waving thing a bit too far?
Fayetteville, North Carolina, home to the military’s Fort Bragg, seems poised to answer both those questions. Unsatisfied with Fayetteville’s current image, the local visitor’s bureau has decided to re-brand their town as the most patriotic in the U.S.
They’ve got a ton of ideas— fireworks every Saturday night; tax breaks for flag-flyers, actors playing founding fathers roaming streets painted to look like old glory, and requiring all restaurants to serve apple pie and hot dogs.
Hmmm, yes, because nothing shouts freedom from the rooftops like forcing restaurants to reprint their menus. New York has the Statue of Liberty, Philly’s got the Liberty bell... and Fayetteville? Why in Fayetteville, you’ll be force fed pork products by an underemployed actor in a musty Lincoln costume. I love the smell of patriotism in the morning; it smells like frankfurters... and that Lincoln guy’s fake beard.
Other ideas include allowing police to hand out “fake” traffic tickets to people driving foreign cars. Just a tip: if your car is a Peugeot, take the detour.
John Meroski of the visitors bureau is excited by the plan, saying, “The things we’ve done in three years are remarkable, but you can only imagine what could happen in five years, 10 years.”
Yes, just imagine: Mandatory flag tattoos; compulsory fireworks attendance; Barbara Streisand forced to impersonate George Washington. Those fake tickets? They’re real now! Don’t like hot dogs or apple pie? There’s a dog kennel in Gitmo waiting with your name on it!
Sure, you’ll try to skip town, but with all the streets painted like flags, good luck finding the turn lanes.
I kid, of course. But all this is a reminder that while patriotism may be “the last refuge of a scoundrel,” it’s often the first stop in a marketing campaign.
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