SI MIDNIGHT RAG *MISSING BABY FOUND
(SIMR)(C) A newborn baby orangutan missing from th San Diego Zoo for over two months was found this morning. It was discovered in Las Vegas, in the filthy cardbox box home of wino Kasha Baker and his gay lover, Nathanc.The couple had traveled to San Diego recently to visit the world famous Zoo. Back in July, Kasha had found a winning bottle cap at the city garbage dump during one of his daily visits there.. The contest winning cap he had found, entitled the bearer to a free trip to the San Diego Zoo including airfare and hotel. During their free Zoo visit Nathanc had spotted a newborn orangutan and had become obsessed with having it. Mr. Baker, <after Nathanc had threatened to start withholding sex until he got the tiny monkey baby>, had returned to the zoo that night and had stolen the poor infant orangutan. A 24 hour convience store manager in Las Vegas had alerted police after he had caught the extremely intoxicated Kasha trying to steal newborn diapers for the second time. Den Fa Laindfghj, manager of Stop-in-Doo on the strip, told Las Vegas police that,"after seeing them stealing baby bottles,formula, and diapers, he was very afraid that these two disgusting wino's who live on the streets might actually have a baby." Officers soon surrounded the Maytag box the wino's lived in and ordered them out. The police had obviously came at a very bad time for the group in the box. A minute or so later out crawled Kasha, and Nathanc, Peter N. Matzke and a very embarassed, fast talking, Taxikid,<Taxikid, swears he was only visiting, and had just got there> each was dressed only in women's bra's, panties, with matching high heels. Nathanc was holding the baby orangutan. The baby was totally hairless, having been completly shaved and was wearing a diaper,toddler clothes and a pair of cheap kid sunglasses. A crowd of stunned and laughing tourist's watched as a brief struggle occured as officers took posession of the baby orangutan and placed Nathanc, Kasha, and Peter N. Matzke under arrest. The less intoxicated and incredibly fleet footed Taxikid was arrested after a hilarious Keystone Cop type chase that lasted for several blocks. One of the officers involved in the chase Sgt. Bob "Marathon Man" Hayes says."This guy was really fast. Especially dressed the way he was. We all were having trouble running after him because we were laughing to hard. Hell, he probably would of got away but he sprained his ankle when he lost a heel in a storm drain cover." |
