THE DUBYA WAR GLOSSARY
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allies n. Tony Blair.
collateral damage: obs. The hapless schmucks that happen to be in the way
when the U.S. bombs civilian facilities or residential neighborhoods. When
they do it to us, it is called terrorism. No longer commonly used; such
deaths are now ignored entirely. Other obsolete words and phrases include
"Osama bin Laden," "Afghanistan," "budget surplus," "economy,"
"environment," "corporate scandals," "education," "civil liberties,"
"Constitution," "Guantanamo Bay," and "the end of the war."
democracy: n. The ideal form of a political system - now used
interchangeably with the economic system called "capitalism" - in which a
handful of wealthy people with occasional minor policy differences take
turns enriching their patrons and being elected by a citizenry that is
allowed no other choices. E.g.: "We intend to turn Iraq into a democracy,
just like the United States."
deterrent: n. A category of military weapons that includes massive nuclear
arsenals, space-based nuclear and laser weapons, and chemical and biological
weapons research. Only applies when possessed by the United States See:
Weapons of Mass Destruction
disarm: v. To blow to smithereens. E.g.: "Saddam Hussein's destruction of
his missiles is an impediment to U.S. plans to disarmSaddam Hussein."
due process: n. When George Bush decides a terrorist gets the process that
he is due. See: unlawful combatant; torture.
embed: v. To engage in an act of prostitution. E.g.: "Hundreds of U.S. media
outlets have elected to cover the war by having their reporters embedded in
an American military unit."
empire abbr.: A shortened form of the phrase "American empire." A state in
which 196 countries are eternally grateful, or should be, for being
plundered by the 197th. See: democracy
homeland: n. That portion of empire which got ignored because the
"Department of Defense" is no longer used for defending.
oil: n. Booty.
Old Europe: n. Formerly "allies." A collection of countries too stuck in the
mud, or jealous, to welcome empire. See also: world
peace: n. The mythical state achieved when the United States has a complete
global monopoly on the use of military force. Not to be confused with
"democracy," "freedom," or "justice." See: empire
the people of Iraq: See: Saddam Hussein
precision bombing: n. Replaces smart bombs. What a morally enlightened
country like the United States does. Involves using MOABs, daisy cutters, or
up to 3,000 cruise missiles to create firestorms that convert oxygen to
carbon monoxide and asphyxiate anyone within range of the miles-wide
inferno; and then pretending that the resulting fatalities do not exist.
See: civilian casualties
preemptive attack: n. Replaces blitzkrieg. Unprovoked invasion of a country that poses no threat, esp. if that country is defenseless and has extensive reserves of oil.
proof: n. Sales receipts, usually from before or just after the Gulf War.
E.g.: "We have extensive proof for the existence of Iraq's biological and
chemical weapons."
reconstruction: n. The lucrative process undertaken during the occupation of
an invaded country, involving replacing destroyed buildings, bridges, and
utility systems. There is nothing you can do to rebuild the people;
fortunately, they never existed. See: Saddam Hussein; civilian casuallties
regime change: n. Coup d'etat.
Saddam Hussein: n. The nation of Iraq, pop. 24,002,000 (2002 est.); area
172,476 sq. mi. (slightly larger than California), centered on the Tigris
and Euphrates Rivers in Southwest Asia, previously known as Mesopotamia; one
of the oldest continuously civilized regions in the world. "Iraq" and
"Saddam Hussein" are generally used interchangeably, e.g.: "We're going to
bomb the hell out of Saddam Hussein."
Shock and Awe: n. War crime.
terrorism: adj. What they do.
terrorist: n Anybody who dislikes George Bush's policies. See: unlawful
combatant
torture: n. 1. A form of due process, inflicted either by the U.S. or its
trained employees in less savory third world dictatorships. See: unlawful
combatant. 2. George Bush giving a press conference.
unlawful combatant: n. Any opponent of George Bush's policies who the U.S.
government would prefer to have held indefinitely without trial. See:
Constitution; due process; torture
War On Terror: n. A comprehensive marketing strategy to ensure the
reelection of George Bush in 2004, by embroiling the United States in war
for decades to come. Replaces these previous campaigns: "Compassionate
conservative," "Fiscally responsible," "Education President," "He's really
not as dumb as he looks." Precedes "War is peace. Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength."
Weapons of Mass Destruction: n. What they have. See: deterrent
World: n. The collection of nations and peoples which thinks George Bush is
out of his freakin' mind. |
