FWIW Grainne I think people missed the "close friends" part of what you wrote. When I think about the people I really love, and trust, part of the love and trust is predicated upon a shared belief system, and shared values. I can't imagine loving anyone deeply (except my children, and that's biological and not choice) who did not share my core values. I can imagine caring about certain aspects of people, and "putting up" with certain attitudes, in people who were not close friends, or in people who are family (who you do not choose). But the people you really decide to share your life with, the people with whom you share your dreams and your fears, should be people (imo) whom you trust absolutely- or as absolutely as it is possible to trust. I don't see how you could trust people who had values so different from your own, that they invisioned a completely different way of living in the world. It's hard to trust people who look at the world in the "wrong" way. If they can't figure out how to look at the world the way I do, how could they ever see me the way I want to be seen? And isn't love and friendship about being seen for who we think we are?
I don't think we cut ourselves off from people who are different, but I certainly can't see sharing the essence of who we are with people whose values are anathema- it seems like a set up for grief and anger and eventual recriminations. It doesn't make them bad people, or us bad people, it just makes us people who do not share a common foundation. Where there is no commonality, I do not think there can be real trust, and real sharing, and real love. I think you can have something like love- but it would always be qualified, and that would be a sad substitute for the real thing. |
