Roberts Promises Stricter Controls on Four-Year-Old Son
Author: Andy Borowitz
Published on July 22, 2005, 08:13
John G. Roberts, President Bush's nominee for the United States Supreme Court, said today that if confirmed to the nation's highest court he would support stricter controls on his four-year-old son, Jack, two days after the mischievous tyke led the police on a terrifying high-speed chase through Washington, D.C.
The first hint of trouble involving the younger Mr. Roberts came during the president's introduction of his nominee to the press on Tuesday, when four-year-old Jack wandered about the stage at the White House, attempting to break free from his mother.
But matters took a decided turn for the worse moments after the press event, when Jack somehow eluded the security detail and commandeered a Secret Service vehicle parked outside the White House.
The irrepressible four-year-old then led the Washington, D.C. police on a high-speed chase which ended at a Toys 'R' Us in Alexandria, Virginia, where he was finally subdued.
At a press conference following young Mr. Roberts' rampage, Judge Roberts revealed his conservative bent, telling reporters, "According to my reading of the constitution, the framers would have approved putting a shorter leash on my son, and that spirit will inform my decisions going forward."
But at the White House, insiders worried that young Jack Roberts could prove to be more of a headache to the president than he is worth.
"The last thing this administration needs is another loose cannon," one insider said. "Karl Rove is enough."
Elsewhere, a judge permitted the release of Colin Farrell's sex tape, arguing that no one would see it because it stars Colin Farrell. |
