On a lighter note: Mayday! It's the Dave Barry Gift Guide
By Dave Barry
Friday, December 16, 2005 - Page updated at 12:00 AM
Knight Ridder Newspapers
RAUL RUBIERA / THE MIAMI HERALD
Sinking Titanic Model: We bet the lucky youngster who gets this gift will play with it for hours, and ultimately need therapy. Does not come with a tiny nonfloating replica of Leonardo DiCaprio.
Kiss Celebriducks, a set of four rubber ducks shaped vaguely like the members of Kiss. They make a fun and educational toy for anybody except children younger than 21.
It's the Animated Stress Turtle, and it crawls across your desk and sings "You gotta slow down." If you're having a stressful day at the office, all you have to do is activate your stress turtle, and before you know it, one of your co-workers will smash it with a chair.
Hark! Do you hear that sound? It's "Frosty the Snowman." For the eighth or ninth time today! And that thud? Why, that's Dad, falling off the ladder. And if you listen really, really hard, you can hear, softly in the distance, the sounds of shoppers trading punches over parking spots at the mall.
No doubt about it: The holidays are here!
This is not your ordinary gift guide, the kind that features gifts that somebody might actually want or use. These gifts were selected because they meet a very strict criterion, which is that when we saw the item advertised, we said to ourselves: "Are they SERIOUS?"
Every item here is a real product. We have purchased all of them and subjected them to our rigorous field-testing procedure, which consists of giving them to Raul the photographer and sending him out to take funny pictures of them. After that, we don't know what happens to them, and we don't care.
SINKING TITANIC MODEL
$39.95 plus shipping/handling from Transportation Hobby Collectibles Online/Singular Selections E-Stores, 800-372-7299, www.thconline.com/index.html
What is more fun for a youngster than playing with a toy ship in a bathtub or pool? Playing with a toy ship that realistically simulates the sinking of an ocean liner resulting in more than a thousand deaths! You touch a button, and a big iceberg gash opens up in the hull, and down she goes!
Dave Barry has been on sabbatical this year, but that hasn't stopped him from producing his annual gift guide. Look for his year-in-review column Jan. 2 in Living.
Ha ha! We bet the lucky youngster who gets this gift will play with it for hours, and ultimately need therapy. Does not come with a tiny nonfloating replica of Leonardo DiCaprio.
KISS CELEBRIDUCKS
$24.95 plus shipping/handling (H&S)from The KISS Museum, www.kissmuseum.com
Sometimes two things come together to form something new and wonderful. Peanut butter and jelly. Abbott and Costello. Peanut butter and Costello.
This gift concept is another example of this phenomenon. What probably happened was this: Some marketing people were sitting around and they got into an argument. On one side was a guy saying, "We need to put out a product that would appeal to fans of the legendary rock band Kiss." On the other side was a guy saying, "No! We need to put out a product that can be used as a bath toy!"
The result is the Kiss Celebriducks, a set of four rubber ducks shaped vaguely like the members of Kiss. They make a fun and educational toy for anybody except children younger than 21.
ANIMATED STRESS TURTLE
NOTE: We just found out that this item has been discontinued. But trust us, you wouldn't have wanted it anyway.
Remember a few years ago, when there was a big fad involving a fake trophy bass that sang "Take Me To the River?"
Well, guess what?
We now reached an even lower point. It's the Animated Stress Turtle, and it crawls across your desk and sings "You gotta slow down." If you're having a stressful day at the office, all you have to do is activate your stress turtle, and before you know it, one of your co-workers will smash it with a chair. You might even be fired! That will definitely cut down on your work-related stress.
"SWITCH BLADES OF ITALY"
$39.99 plus S&H from Collector Bookstore, 913-651-0600, www.collectorbookstore.com
Every year, except when we forget, we include literature in the gift guide. This year's is "Switch Blades of Italy," a book guaranteed to be of great interest to anybody interested in Italian switchblades.
If you're a guy, and you're looking for a romantic gift for that "special lady" on your list, this book is it.
"SONGS TO MAKE DOGS HAPPY!"
$13.99 plus S&H from Amazon, www.amazon.com
This is a CD for dogs. According to the advertisement on the Internet — and if we cannot trust advertisements on the Internet, what CAN we trust? — this is, quote, "the first qualitatively and quantitatively researched musical CD, based upon 200 canine participants' decisions as to what THEY would like to hear in songs!"
You read that correctly: This has been researched qualitatively AND quantitatively. Just try to find another selection of songs for dogs that can make that claim.
We here at the gift guide are not, personally, a dog, but we did listen to several of the songs, including "Squeaky Deaky," in which a man sings about a squeaky toy, which can be heard squeaking rhythmically.
But this is not about us. This is about what musical gift to give your dog. We recommend Ray Charles.
PET STROLLER
$129.95 plus S&H from Hammacher Schlemmer, 800-321-1484, hammacher.com
Cats and small dogs make wonderful pets, but they are not so great at walking. They mostly want to lie around and have things brought to them. That's why this pet stroller is such a terrific idea. Instead of forcing your pet to perform the tiresome chore of walking, you push it where it needs to go.
This stroller is also a good way to walk pets that otherwise might be housebound, such as squid.
FOREST FACES
$12.99-$19.99 plus S/H, 877-560-6222, merrifieldgardencenter.com
Each Forest Face is a set of facial features that you attach to a tree, thus transforming it from a boring, lifeless lump of wood like Al Gore into a tree with a vibrant personality, like the ones that threw apples at Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz."
PAJAMAS FOR DOGS
$18.99-$24.99 plus S&H from Care-A-Lot Pet Supply, 800-343-7680, www.carealotpets.com
For years now, thoughtful dog owners have been putting sweaters and coats on their dogs for outdoor wear. But what about indoor wear? What about BEDTIME wear? Every night, all over this so-called "caring" nation, literally millions of dogs go to bed naked. For these unfortunate animals, there are these quality dog pajamas, in a variety of "fun" prints. We guarantee that when you put these PJs on your dog, he's going to give you a special look — a look that says, "Some night, when you least expect it, I will rip out your throat."
POOP-FREEZE
$9.85 plus S&H from PetVetDirect, 888-738-8383, www.petvetdirect.com
It's a problem every dog owner faces: What do you do when your dog deposits a massive steaming pile on the sidewalk?
The right thing to do is of course to look around in a furtive manner, then sprint away.
No! Sorry! The right thing to do is clean up after your dog. And here's a product designed to help. Poop-Freeze, according to the manufacturer, is "a specially formulated aerosol freeze spray that, upon contact, forms a frosty film on dog poop (or cat poop) to harden the surface for easy pick-up."
Easy ... and fun!
SPRAY-ON MUD
$12.95 plus S&H from Sprayonmud Limited, sprayonmud.us/index.html
Millions of Americans own SUVs with rugged "off-road" capabilities, as illustrated in TV commercials wherein these vehicles climb mountains, ford rivers, run down and kill wildebeests, etc. Unfortunately, most SUV-owning Americans live in the suburbs, so if they ever actually drove off-road, they'd be on somebody's lawn.
What these people need is Spray-on Mud, in a convenient can. Now, when you return home with your car all muddied up, your neighbors will think you were in rugged backcountry, even though you were actually at Mattress World.
SCROLLING LED BELT BUCKLE
$29.99 plus S&H from Brain Buster Enterprises, www.scrollingbuckle.com
Men, ask yourself this question: How does actor Brad Pitt manage to hook up with so many fine ladies? What does he have that YOU don't have? The answer is: a scrolling electronic belt buckle. Brad, and so many other guys who "score" with the babes, would not go anywhere, including the beach, without first strapping on this product. It can be programmed to display a scrolling message, such as "CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT KIND OF PATHETIC LOSER WOULD ACTUALLY WEAR THIS?"
BODYPERKS FAKE NIPPLES
$19.95 plus S&H from Bodyperks, www.bodyperks.com
Ladies, let's talk about your nipples. Men think about them a lot.
Unfortunately, there may be times when men are NOT thinking about your nipples, such as during a terrorist attack, or when you are wearing garments that do not permit nipple pokage. During such times, you need Bodyperks brand artificial nipples, which can poke out through just about anything, including body armor. We understand that Madonna buys these things by the gross.
ELECTRIC MARSHMALLOW TOASTER
$19.95 plus S&H from Wishingfish.com, 877-785-3914, www.wishingfish.com
Roasted marshmallows are a fun treat and an important nutritional source of sugar. The problem is the backbreaking labor involved. You barely have enough strength to raise your Hershey bar to your lips.
But not any more. This device harnesses the amazing power of AA batteries to drive an electric motor that turns your marshmallows for you. That's right, we said "marshmallows," plural, because this baby can rotate THREE marshmallows at a time. Also we are pretty sure it could be used to kill a bear, although this is not explicitly stated in the instructions.
FLAVOR SPRAY
$5.95 per flavor plus S&H from David Burke's Flavor Spray Diet, 718-793-7772, www.flavorspraydiet.com
Why do we eat fattening foods? Because they taste good. This is why we never, ever, while watching football on a Sunday afternoon, say: "Let's call up Celery Hut and have a big bunch of celery delivered!"
No, we want pizza, because pizza is dripping with fat. And that's the problem: If you want flavor, you have to eat food that makes YOU fat. Until now! Flavor Spray contains no calories, no carbohydrates and no fat, and comes in many flavors, including chocolate fudge, bacon, marshmallow and teriyaki.
With Flavor Spray, you can make anything taste good! You could have a meal consisting entirely of cardboard! (Not recommended.) You can even eat nothing at all, and simply spray flavor directly into your mouth. Raul the photographer tried this, and, weeks later, his mouth STILL tastes like bacon.
Copyright © 2005 The Seattle Times Company
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