DEAR LISA
Notes from an ill-fated hunting trip with the vice president
SETH REISS
Dear Lisa,
Lisa, I love you. As I write this, I am on day three of my hunting trip, and I am scared to the point where I have been crying myself to sleep on the bathroom floor. What was once perceived as a rare honor—an opportunity to partake in sport with the vice president—has turned into a week of horror. Though he claims the incidents have been accidental, Dick Cheney has shot and killed four of the “Regular Americans” who successfully entered and won the “What Would You Ask the Vice President if You Went on a Quail Hunting Trip with Him?” essay contest.
The first person Mr. Cheney shot was a man named Will. I didn’t catch his last name because I didn’t know him long enough. None of us did. He was, however, always talking about his family and how much they loved him, and he them. Dick Cheney shot Will in the chest after Will made a quail noise behind the locked door of a porta-potty. Mr. Cheney said it was an honest mistake, and warned us that we shouldn’t practice our quail calls “willy nilly.”
Though we were disturbed by his death, that didn’t stop us from having a wonderful dinner that night. To be fair, Cheney was an excellent host. No stone was left unturned. Lisa, you know how I love applesauce … well!!! Then he talked about our essays, and answered the questions our essays presented: “Yes, Yes, No, No, Hmmph … good one.” As the night went on, and the booze increased, we were playing a game, and he said, “Never have I ever hunted a human for sport.” There was an eerie silence in the room, and then he started to laugh. Then we started to laugh. Then he took a sip.
When we woke up the next morning, all of us were there with the exception of Frank. Dick Cheney said Frank had come to him that night, saying that he had to be getting back because he had a dentist appointment he had been putting off. Frank had exquisite teeth, Lisa.
During that day of quail hunting, Cheney shot David in the back of the head with a silenced .22. Cheney claimed that David looked like a quail. Frankly, he didn’t. He just didn’t. Neither did his twin brother Benjamin. But who was I to disagree with the Vice President of the United States.
Lisa, there are just two of us left, and the secret service has secured the perimeter. I don’t think I am going to make it out of here. I’m also very bored. There is no television, and I haven’t been able to watch my stories.
Well, I think I am going to practice my quail calls.
Love,
Seth
PS: Marry me, Lisa. Marry me for the man I am and the man you make me want to be.
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