Regretlessly Yours
By Rick Reilly
Star athletes tend to get themselves in more hot water than Top Ramen. Last week alone Keith Hernandez, Kenyon Martin and Delmon Young all had to do major damage control for bad behavior.
But now, thanks to the discount law firm of Wheezle, Wangle and Dodge, stars can save boatloads of p.r. and legal fees with the first-ever Do It Yourself Athletic Apology -- the No-pology(TM). It's the best way to say "I'm sorry" without really meaning it. Try it next time you're busted! (Clear throat and read sincerely.)
THE NO-FAULT APOLOGY
Ladies and gentlemen, let me begin by saying I'm acutely aware of the accusations that I (pick from Menu A) . Let me state categorically and on the record that (one from Menu B) . What everybody involved needs to clearly understand is that (Menu C) . And I refuse to let the (Menu D) win. Still, if (Menu E), then I would definitely like to take this opportunity to (Menu F). But I'll tell you one thing, I (Menu G). Peace. Out.
Menu A OFFENSES
• tested positive for every chemical on the element chart
• insulted an entire (race/gender/religion)
• beat the bejesus out of that meter maid
• groped most of the Rockettes
• threatened to kneecap my coach
• kneecapped my coach
Menu B EXCUSES
• I have no recollection of doing any of that
• it is what it is
• my meds were way off
• that's just (my name) being (my name)
• it was the arthritic rub
• I had to do something; they dissed my peeps
Menu C RATIONALIZATIONS
• people just build you up to knock you down
• things got blown way out of proportion
• I didn't know that the damn thing was loaded
• people should be curing cancer, not hassling me
• nobody would've said a word if I were (name different race)
• nobody told me cops can dress like hookers
Menu D SCAPEGOATS
• media
• haters
• liberals
• terrorists
• Girl Scouts
• voices in my head
Menu E DISTANCING PHRASE
• my actions were somehow misinterpreted
• my T-shirt was taken out of context
• people are that PC
• one little flag-burning offended the mouth-breathers
• my Rosie O'Donnell impression bothered anybody
• the wildfires have become a distraction
Menu F NO-POLOGY(TM)
• turn the page and move forward
• in a way, apologize, up to a point-ish
• express regret that it even happened
• feel bad for these morons
• ask you what you want me to say
• leave it in (Jesus/Allah/Vishnu)'s hands
Menu G THE LAST WORD
• sure as hell ain't apologizing to that nun
• will pick a batboy next time who can take a punch
• didn't even know those people were considered a minority
• won't ever ride my Harley in Nordstrom again
• will not torpedo any more Smirnoff/Zoloft shooters ever again
• had my fingers crossed
Issue date: May 8, 2006
premium.si.cnn.com |
