To: Ex-Floridians, present Floridians, and future Floridians or
those who know a Floridian.
We're about to enter hurricane season. Any day now, you're going
to turn
on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in
the
Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If
you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.' Based on
our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane
preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for
at
least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Iowa and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow
this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start
with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as
long as
your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Iowa.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other
area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would
prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might
be
required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got
into the
insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which
will
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value
of your
house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental
floss
Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different
home-insurance
companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
Company,
under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and
Big
Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
windows,
all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There
are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
(a) Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make
them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
them
yourself, they will fall off.
(b) Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well,
once
you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all
up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
(c) Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy
to
use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that
you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so. He
lives in Iowa.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches,
check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution,
throw
these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming
pool, you
should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds
will turn
these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should
have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in
a
low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
avoid being
trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
trapped
in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with
two
hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be
lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess
of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you
wait
until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get
into
vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In
addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out,
when
the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows
what the
bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate
alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes,
you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand
right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really.
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