Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Former Enron Workers Receive Bill For Kenneth Lay's Funeral
7/17/2006 - Matt Myford
In a posthumous act of "corporate hubris," former Enron workers received notices that they're responsible for "all costs" involved with Kenneth Lay's funeral, insider sources said yesterday.
"Holy shit, doesn't this guy show any mercy?" asked an Enroner, incredulously. "I can't even insult him now...I'm reduced to urinating on his grave!"
A little-known, small print (font size .00000012) clause in all Enron employees' contracts stipulated that, whenever their corrupt boss would die "basically of shame" for "defrauding all you buggers," they would be billed for the cost of the funeral.
Mr. Lay's funeral exceeds most other funerals with its extravagant security apparatus, including a 10-foot high spit shield for hocker-happy Enroners and two armed guards to prevent "abuse of a corpse."
Mr. Lay, the 43,221st Most Evil Person In History (right before Aaron Spelling and right after Attila the Hun's great-nephew), is regarded by most elite media outlets as the Most Evil Person, Ever. Except Hitler and Karl Rove, of course.
"This bill says I owe $4,000 for the flower arrangements," said another former Enroner. "Well, Mr. Lay can go to hell…wait a minute, he's already there!"
Whereupon a passer-by dropped a quarter into the former Enroner's tin cup at his feet. "Another hundred-thousand episodes like that, and my retirement funds will be replenished!" said the Enroner.
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