Somewhat amusing article from barrons:
Can't Watch Your Broker Yourself? Hire a
'Nanny'
By Joe Queenan
Several months ago, I read about a new software program that allows
parents to check in on their children while they are in day-care centers. As far
as I can determine, a camera hooked up inside the day-care center constantly
transmits live footage back to the parents, who can periodically check an
Internet site to make sure that Courtney and Jason are faring well.
Presumably, this product could also be used in later grades to ensure that
their kids aren't selling crack in the hallways and that the teachers aren't
molesting their charges. This would be especially useful in New York City.
Obviously, this is a terrific new product, but I'm not sure that this is the best,
or the only, application of this ingenious technology. For instance, as an
investor, I've always been curious about how stockbrokers pass their days.
Do they sit there zealously following the day's trading activity, trying to think
up new ways to beat the market? Do they wade through annual reports,
newspaper and magazine articles and cutting-edge newsletters? Or do they
spend a lot of their time harassing the female employees, playing Rotisserie
League Baseball, checking out the Teri Hatcher Web site and hoisting a few
brewskies down at the local saloon?
As usual, technology comes to the rescue: The ordinary investor could keep
tabs on the guy handling his money through a new software produce called
BrokerNanny. In each and every wire house across America, a camera
would be installed opposite every stockbroker's desk, providing
uninterrupted video footage of the broker's activity. This would not only
enable investors to make sure their brokers were getting to work on time, but
would allow them to confirm that their trades were being executed in a timely
fashion. What's more, investors could be certain that their brokers were not
telling one customer to get out of IBM as soon as possible while telling other
customers to buy. I m certainly not suggesting that this would make life more
pleasant for the average stockbroker. But it would certainly let investors
breathe a bit easier.
BrokerNanny could also spawn such useful spin-off products as FundNanny.
Mutual funds are so vast and have so many holdings that the ordinary
shareholder really has no idea what his fund manager is buying or selling at
NY given time. But with FundNanny, it would be impossible for an ostensibly
"conservative" fund manager to just slip a few Vancouver Stock Exchange
high-flyers into the old portfolio without horrifying the thousands of investors
who want him to stick with DuPont and General Electric. Through
FundNanny's Internet connection, investors could also find out exactly what
mutual funds do with those 12b-1 fees they level on shareholders --
especially if the cameras are able to pan through the plush offices and outside,
where the managers' Porsches and Mercedes are parked.
Another spin-off from BrokerNanny would be CyberAnalyst. No one has the
faintest idea what most stock analysts do for a living, least of all their
employers. No one has ever been able to explain how stock market analysts
arrive at a decision to issue a Hold recommendation on a stock that is
obviously going into the tank, or a Neutral recommendation on a stock that
smells from here to Tierra Del Fuego. With CyberAnalyst in place, they
would.
They'd also be able to verify that a true Chinese Wall exists between the a
brokerage firm's investment banking operations and its research department.
This would provide some particularly damning -- and hilarious -- footage
should some of the smaller, sleazier brokerage houses ever let cameras into
their offices. Of course, smaller, sleazier brokerage houses are unlikely to
embrace this technology: If the average investor ever saw the inside of these
bucket shops he or she would be amazed at the sight of all those recent
college grads sitting barefoot at their desks, not being allowed to put their
shoes back on until they sell another 10,000 shares issued by companies that
claim to have discovered a cure for AIDS or an inexpensive way to
genetically clone top-of-the-line minivans.
Perhaps the most useful application of this emerging technology would be yet
another spin-off product called EmergingMarketsNanny. Investors are
always being told that some godforsaken country in the Third World is going
to be the next big thing, and that they can actually reduce risk in their
portfolios by including some shares in Mexican, Turkish or Sri Lankan
companies. Thanks to EmergingMarketsNanny, investors would be able to
log onto a Web site equipped with cameras positioned inside these countries
and see the infrastructure that is supposedly being built. Alas, just a few quick
shots of that Mexican "infrastructure" -- especially anything that involves
government officials -- could kill off this investment theme for good.
The final application of this breakthrough technology would be a product
called AppleNanny. Americans seem to have a disproportionate interest in
the continuing adventures of this moribund little company, and this product
would allow investors to regularly check in to see real, live footage of the
company's latest absurd activities. A friend of mine says that he has heard of
a product called CyberMourner, which would allow distant relatives to
electronically attend the wakes, funerals and perhaps even the cremations of
loved ones whom they perhaps don't love enough to get on a plane and
actually attend the funeral services. That's a pretty intriguing idea. But now
that I think of it, CyberMourner and AppleNanny would be basically the
same product. |
