Don't tell me if you've heard these before.<G>
++++
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be
arrested immediately.
++++
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded
all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot,
he fled -- leaving his wallet on the counter.
++++
Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman
decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day
Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can
you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her
house -- whereupon she realized that the camel's name was ... "Otto."
[She might not have gotten any milk from Otto, but she probably made
a friend for life while trying.... ;-) ]
++++
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
head -- and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.
++++
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours
and stole -- are you ready for this? -- the bank's video camera.
While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of
himself stealing the camera. The police, however, *did*.)
++++
North Carolina*: A man successfully broke into a bank's basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the
process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from
where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through
which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...
++++
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal
a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.
The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons
decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls,
floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and
returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the
keys in the truck -- so they abandoned it.
++++
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store
similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for
change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled -- leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer? Fifteen dollars.
++++
Florida: Dr. John Rende, a 38-year-old Florida dentist, agreed to
allow two brothers to cut off a finger with an axe and claim it was
an accident. He collected a $1.3 million lump-sum settlement from one
brother's homeowners policy, and filed under his own disability
policy as well. Rende used some of the money to buy a yacht, which he named "Minus One." He and his brothers pleaded guilty and are currently in jail....
++++
Vernon, British Columbia: Raymond Cuthbert dropped by a drugstore to
say that he and his accomplice would be back in 30 minutes to rob the
place. On time for their appointment, they were arrested by the Royal
Canadian Mounted Police.
++++
Sao Paulo, Brazil: Psychiatrist Oscar Dominguez was listening to a
patient talk about her sex life when he pulled out a gun and shot her
to death. As he explained to the court, "I just couldn't take those
nut cases anymore."
++++
Rouen, France: Moments after robbing a bank, Jules Duprer jumped into
a car, shouting, "Get away quick, before the cops come." He failed to
notice that the car he was counting on to spirit him to safety was a
*police* car.
[These last two aren't criminals, per se, but have nonetheless
attained such impressive heights of stupidity that they warrant
inclusion here. ]
(Location Unknown): A gentleman awoke one cold morning and found that
his car would not start; the problem was a frozen fuel line. No
problem for Mr. Brilliant -- one need only warm up the gas, right? So
he siphoned off the fuel, put it into a pot, took it into the kitchen and heated it up on the stove....
Washington, D.C.: In 1994, local businesses paid their quarterly tax
payments using pre-printed address labels provided by the city. The
unopened payments were returned to the senders, with the notation
"Box closed for non-payment of rent." The city had failed to pay the $405 annual fee. |
