THE NIGHT OF THE BLUE PENIS
The first grandchild in the family...and finally the in-laws had arrived in Dallas from Indiana, having patiently awaited an invitation for two months. To celebrate, Dan and I decided to go out for an elegant meal; it was the first time we had left CW in the arms of anyone else besides ourselves. The event loomed large and frightening.
I will say up front that I have always loved my mother-in-law. She is a wonderful woman, competent, intelligent, wise, witty. She has raised three children successfully, none of whom suffered apparent damage at her hands. They have all their arms and legs, eyes and teeth. They have never eaten Drano or been taken into custody by Social Services because she was at the neighborhood bar while they paraded the neighborhood, naked and hungry. She was still young and energetic. We were only going to be gone for three hours. I had expressed and frozen enough breast milk to sustain CW until adolescence and left formula "just in case". Why, then, was I so sure that CW could not survive ten minutes with me out of his immediate vicinity? What terrible thing could befall him that this woman-who, after all, had raised the man I choose to be the father of
my children-could not handle. She had neighbors' numbers, pediatrician's numbers, the restaurant's number. We finally dragged ourselves away. I have no memory of where we went, or what we ate, or what we talked about. I think we called home every half hour. Finally, we gave up and rushed back to the house, barely saying hello at the door and hastening to the baby's room to assure ourselves that he was breathing. In an inexplicable terror, I put him on the changing table and stripped him (I expected what? Bruises? Chain marks? Sudden onset terminal diaper rash?). I yanked off the Pampers (Castration? Mutilation?) and saw--A BLUE PENIS. Oh My God! I called Dan over and pointed. speechless with horror. He looked.
"What?" he said.
"His penis!" I gasped, voice shaking. "It's blue." My mother-in-law, who had diplomatically stayed in the living room, while I carried out my frantic, neurotic mommy frenzy, entered.
"What's wrong?" she asked, in some alarm, seeing my face.
"Christian's penis. It's blue!" I was near tears. What if he lost it? What if it was dying and fell off on the way to the Emergency Room, because of course, that's where we were heading immediately.
My mother-in-law leaned over CW. She peered intently at his poor little blue member.
"Well, it's a little blue, I guess," she said doubtfully. "I'm sure it was normal earlier." How would she know? I had obviously misjudged her ability to care for her grandchild. She was old, she probably was half-blind and couldn't see, she had Alzheimer's and
didn't remember seeing it, maybe his penis hadn't been cleaned properly and was now in an advanced state of neglect. Maybe she had never even changed him!
"We're going to the Emergency Room," I declared authoritatively, rewrapping CW and starting for the door. My mother-in-law was stricken. Let her suffer. I just wanted my son to grow to be a man in all ways, to lead a normal life. We rushed to the ER which was only a mile away. I ran in while Dan parked the car and dramatically held CW up, "My baby!" They looked at him. He was smiling and enjoying all the attention.
"What's wrong with him?" A nurse strode over to us.
"His penis is blue!" I cried dramatically. They looked at me impassively, as so many people seem to do. Why didn't they do
something? Time could be critical. Finally, one of them led me into a cubicle while Dan started the insurance paperwork. The nurse stripped CW and gazed at him. He cooed at her while she examined him- surely a positive sign? "Well, I'll let the doctor look." She left and we waited. Five minutes and a lifetime later, a small, Indian man appeared.
"You think something wrong?" he asked, striding to the table. He doesn't speak English! How will he know? I wonder if he got his degree throuh a correspondence course. He looked at CW briefly. "Nothing wrong." He turned away from me in disgust.
"It was blue!" I said with as much indignation as I could muster, for indeed, the little fellow now looked remarkably pink and normal at the moment. The doctor snorted unattractively.
The nurse had pity on me. "Maybe a hair got wound around it and I dislodged it when I examined him, " she said graciously. The doctor sneered and glared at me; he was realy not at all nice-looking.
"Nothing wrong." He bent over CW. "Never was."
I was furious. Well, maybe there wasn't now but there might have been! What a creep. Some bedside manner. And then-and then--as he leaned over my adorable, sweet, and obviously very intelligent baby-that wonderful little appendage, healthy and pink-with a superior
intelligence of its own--rose up with energy and spirit and let go right in that doctor's smug, arrogant face. I have never been so proud. |
