Poll: In Match-up Between Hillary and Kerry, Most Democrats Would Choose Suicide
By Andy Borowitz
Survey spells trouble for Dems, pollster says
jewishworldreview.com | A new survey of Democratic voters indicates that in a hypothetical match-up between Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and former presidential nominee John Kerry, most Democrats would choose suicide over either candidate.
The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, shows Mr. Kerry drawing 21%, Sen. Clinton 18%, and various forms of suicide 61%.
"Throwing yourself in front of a speeding city bus" was the most popular means of suicide at 22%, with "jumping off the roof of a really tall building or bridge" coming in second at 17%.
According to pollster Rockwell Pritchard, the surging popularity of suicide bodes ill for both Sen. Clinton and Sen. Kerry as potential presidential candidates in 2008.
"It's still very early, but even at this stage of the game the prospect of one of those two being nominated shouldn't be making Democrats want to kill themselves in these numbers," Mr. Pritchard said.
Reached at his home in Massachusetts, Sen. Kerry pointed out that while he did not do as well as suicide, he still polled higher than Sen. Clinton, adding, "That's better than a sharp stick in the eye."
But Mr. Pritchard was quick to throw cold water on Mr. Kerry's upbeat assessment: "In a head-to-head match-up, a sharp stick in the eye beats Sen. Kerry by a two-to-one margin."
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