I think it's about time we reply to these people. Here's my suggestion. I'm, serious...
Dearest Janet,
It was with both great sorrow and joy that I read your letter to me. The Holy Book tells us to "bind the hands and feet of your mother-in-law to a sleeping camel." These words helped me realize it was no accident it was me and only me who you decided to write to!
As you alluded to, yes, I think my Missing Parts Foundation (MPF) is the perfect protoplasm for your ectopic allegories. As you probably read about in Time Magazine over the summer, we've only been successful in supplying 25% of missing body parts, and usually just fingers. If we just had a refrigeration wing, those sphincters, plantars, and burser sacs could have been saved. Because of your generosity, now we can!!!
We have a large shipment of dartos muscle tissue awaiting us from the Dominion of Melchizedek that will only keep for 10 days if packed in pickle juice. Do you think we could have the money as early as seven days? If so, I'll order the unit immediately.
Lastly, as you also probably read, the MPF often seeks donations for our scouting trips. Could you please give our names to the embassy in the Ivory Coast? We offer top dollar for parts from living donors-- regardless of their religious affiliation, so don't worry about that. I think the Ivory Coast is an AK47 zone, but please also ask to make sure as sometimes countries have a donor age limit.
Please tell my how to proceed from here!!!
Praises be to you and your most excellent timing.
Pastor Fred
Fred |
