With friends like this who wants an enemy..
The big lecture!!!
Anyway I digress, my real reason for writing is because I am pissed, really pissed, I went for a random lecture on Saturday by a “special adviser” to the new Iraqi Government at a random University in a random part of the UK. So far so good, an hour to kill at a lecture with a lot of bright young fresh students, with a pretty important “special adviser”, smartly attired with the proud Arab moustache, thought it would be interesting enough….
So the “special adviser”, kicks off in that sort of English accent, where you realise despite him having spent a life time in the US, grammar was never something he considered really that important. So he talks about change, and the fact that Iraq has a new Government and they are trying so hard to get things in order. And yes, Saddam was a criminal and it will take time, but they will put things right. So far, really could not fault his diligence, his puppy like enthusiasm and his patriotism.
Then he says, after we, Iraqis can get a hold on a few more things, we will Kick the Americans out. And the rooms descends into rapturous applause, as he smiles underneath his almost Saddam-like (is that a word) moustache. He had touched a chord with the students (like all other idealistic love struck newbies, don’t you know it is cool to hate those imperialist American bastards). Clearly warming to his new line of attack, he goes on. So Saddam was one evil guy, he started a war with Iran and Kuwait, and don’t think we as the new Government are not aware that he was supported by the Americans all through the 80’s so we are wary of their support. Again, the applause goes up, and again the moustache tilts upwards. So far I was ok, I mean you know the Americans deserve some criticism, but still there were quiet a few 100 million Iraqis who actually lived in Iraq through all of Saddam’s reign, who fought his wars, and who are now part of the new Iraq, should we distrust their intentions too? Moot point anyway, because he had just started his little vent against the Americans.
“The Americans are invaders and we will kick them out”, he repeated and all of sudden, the applause climaxes into orgasmic gasps of pure delight. Ok I thought I had better leave well enough alone. After all, its embarrassing for any proud person to say, well we could not get rid of our own leader, and another country did it for us, but now that we are free, hear us roar! So that’s what it sounded to me, the empty boastful roars of a possibly impotent government, who looked to impress the young idealists listening in. I was actually calm, his lecture over, Q&A, maybe some questions on security, some questions on the future and we would be done. Anyway, a scholastic looking Pakistani kid (embarrasses me to say it, but he was) asked “so you are puppet government of America ”.
“Well no,” he says “we are not, we made the decision to execute Saddam, we make all the key decisions whether they like it or not and we are going to KICK them out! Yeah!” (he did nt really say Yeah, but he should have). And everyone starts clapping. The next question from a nice African girl (so how did your government official daddy pay for your education dear lady, diamonds, oil?)- why don’t you use the help of your neighbouring countries instead of those evil Americans/British. Smart sarcastic question, if she was nt being stupidly serious about it. Well of course I chuckled, the Iraqis would LOVE Iranian soldiers hunting the militia, or why not use the Saudis/Kuwaitis to hunt those extremists. No, he said, the Iranians well they are just evil, Saudis are blasted Wahhabis, Qatar , Kuwait , the rest of them all dictatorships, none of them a functioning democracy like Iraq and none to be trusted.
All very valid answers to a genuinely stupid question, which probably seemed like a great idea to the idealistic bright young things (IBYT going forward) because of that impotent rage against America . But he was nt done, he really needed the applause as well. So he says, we need the Americans, but believe you me, we will throw the invaders out when the time comes. So wait, are they invaders or protectors? My incandescent rage now included a little dosage of confusion. He got the usual applause and he then said look at the way we demolished the Republicans. What I thought, the official Iraqi government demolished the Republicans. Hmm ok, maybe it is the guttural English, and he forgot a verb.
No no, special advisor actually meant they had demolished the Republicans and Bush, because of the civil war in Iraq and the fact things were so bad there. And you know what, Bush was down and out, because the Iraqis were massacring each other and the miltias were winning and destroying the demoralised Iraqi soldiers/police men. And the crowd went wild, the evil Bush is going down because Iraq is in flames and the government can’t control the situation. And as the crowd roars its almost bovine like approval, our young moustached future dictator in waiting, smiles benevolently, perhaps too wrapped up to notice how badly his government was being shown up.
By now I thought, maybe I had made a mistake, maybe he is a member of the militia, and the University had scored a coup, by finding one of them in the middle of the desert, well one of them who had nt strapped a bomb to himself , and brought him over to speak. No, no he was actually a government official. And his pride was that the militias were burning his country to the ground, and though the Government could nt handle it, atleast its causing Bush no end of pain, and in the next General Election, bring Mrs Clinton to power. Well done! Screw your country, atleast you influence elections in a country 1000’s of miles away in the process. By now, I thought the young Bedouin really needed to be asked something. I really did not know where to start.
Should I actually ask him, how Bush being “demolished” was a good thing for his Government, and would it not be better for the Iraqis if they try to demolish the militia instead? But I changed my tack and I asked “Sir (no I did nt say sir), don’t take this the wrong way, but do you not think you need to be a little more grateful towards the Americans? Had it not been for Bush being so ballsy, regardless of his agenda, Saddam Hussein would still be in power in 2006 and you would have been special adviser to Uday Hussein (his son) rather than a democratically elected government of Iraq (I meant to say an academic at Chicago Business School, but I thought this would hit him harder.).
So more than anything else, when you need global friends and your neighbours hate you, don’t fall for populist sentiments and respect your friends who are making sacrifices for you.” And to my greatest of satisfaction, the son of a bitch goes red and gets pissed. He says “Over my dead body”, and everyone starts clapping, ok so I realise I was nt best loved at the moment. He continues“I would never work for the Saddam, that guy killed two of my brothers” (don’t get too shocked, apparently Saddam killed lots of brothers, the fact that the Iraqis fought his wars despite that and it WAS the Americans who liberated them is another matter, sorry for being controversial but that’s the truth).
“And as for the Americans, I spent 20 years in LA” (ah explains the accent, induced by one too many Miami Vice programs), “and I got offered $250k at the State Department” (not a big deal, its $2-£1, I get that much in an American Bank, but just goes to show that the State Department are idiots and hire anyone so apply now, poor English is not an impediment!) “but I turned it down to work for the Iraqi government”, anyway, he stopped there, the chair intervened, asked for proper language and less aggressive tones to be used when asking a question, perhaps ballsy was a bit extreme but I have no regrets. Anyway, I had my peace, I pissed him off, and a little less significantly there are a couple of morals to the story:
i)Most students are idealists, all idealists are idiots
ii)Sometimes you just can not do anything right; invade a country without proper support and all your friends are rightly upset; get rid of the dictator who made life a misery for his people and the people will soon enough talk about the good old days; install a Government whose guys were carpet sellers on Hollywood Avenue and give them democracy and they ll hate you even more; |
