Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted
by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their
anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary
and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What
I came across was a 100,000 volt,pocket/ purse sized taser. The effects
of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety ....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!!
There Is at in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long,less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@ !@$$!%_!@ *!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in throuh the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like h_ _ _!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return.
Still in shock, Numb nuts |
