A History Lesson
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work
for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal
may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding
it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers and to more liberals just to piss them off. |
