NEW CALIFORNIA BLUE STATES NATION!
Dear Red States
We are ticked off at the way you have treated
California, and we have decided we are leaving. We
intend to form our own country, and we are taking the
other Blue States with us.
In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii,
Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan,
Illinois and all the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the
nation, and especially to the people of the new
country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the
slave states. We get stem cell research and the best
beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get
Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get
Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get
Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to
make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower
than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of
happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be
pro-choice and anti-war, and we are going to want all
our citizens back from Iraq at once If you need
people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they are apparently willing to send to their deaths
for no purpose, and they do not care if you do not
show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs
turn up, but we are not willing to spend our resources
in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm
control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water,
more than 90 percent of the pineapples and lettuce, 92
percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at
state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of
the high tech industry, most of the US low-sulfur
coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all
the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have
to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and
their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all
US mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90
percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists,
Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the
University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states
believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62
percent believe life is sacred unless we are
discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent
say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent
believe that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61
percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people
with higher morals than we lefties.
By the way, we are taking the good pot, too. You can
have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico. |
