COMS & the Ghost of USRX w/ other STUFF Message Board

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Technology Stocks : COMS & the Ghost of USRX w/ other STUFF

COMS 0.00130

-13.3%

Nov 7 11:47 AM EST

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To: Jeffery E. Forrest who wrote (6400)	10/8/1997 8:00:00 PM
From: David Lawrence	of 22053

> 100 posts? Geeze, what happened? No one told me it was a holiday. Anyway, more Wierd News coming tonight, meanwhile, it's.... E.R. STORIES! A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. Vodka works!* A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her [deleted] and then safety-pinned her [deleted] shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby. She must have forgot the Shake and Bake.* A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance. How would you like to take that away from some strange dog? He should have received the Congressional Medal of Honor* A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs. was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".* Now, where did I leave that ham? * A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually pass it. On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. Were having a Butt-luck supper". It'll probably be a pickle by supper time. * The most nonemergency ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint. The next night he came in complaining he couldn't locate his pecker. The doc told him to start snipping pubic hairs and when one bleeds, he found it! * A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?" I wonder how many people just thought to themselves "I knew her!" * A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. " I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either." See previous comment. A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been fucking the dog?" Raggot thought he had it bad?*

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