How Would Jesus Vote?
More from the parody site that sounds amazingly like you.
How Would Jesus Vote? It's an interesting question, and one that doesn't have an easy answer. Obviously, Christ was a bleeding-heart liberal; He cared for the sick and hungry whereas conservatives hate them and want them all to die. Jesus would happily cast his vote for any democrat on the ticket, if he could only get into the country. As a middle-eastern male in His thirties, he'd would be hard pressed to make it through airport security. Without a passport, birth certificate, or any form of identification, I doubt He'd even make it out of Israel. His best bet would be to sneak aboard a Mexican freighter, and then just walk across the Rio Grande into Texas. A hippie in a dress wouldn't last long in the Lone Star State, so Christ would probably hitchike to someplace like San Francisco, where He'd be more likely to fit in. And with California's lax immigration system, He wouldn't raise any alarms.
The next problem would be finding a job and an apartment. As we know, Christ was a carpenter, but "Son of God" or not, Jesus himself couldn't pound one single nail unless He first joined a union. I suspect that Christ was too much of a loner to appreciate the many benefits of organized labor, so I doubt He'd be doing a lot of carpentry in sunny California. His talent of turning water into wine might make Him a fine bartender, but once again, that's a union job. Besides, as soon as He started spouting his religious dogma at the patrons, He'd be out on the streets.
Lucky for him, California has a wonderful welfare system, one that doesn't require proof of citizenship. Whoops! Forgot about Proposition 187! Looks like you're screwed, Hay-zoos! Thank the Republicans for that one.
But all is not lost. To quote scripture, "Always look on the bright side of life," (Frisbee 31:43). Being unemployed will give Christ plenty of time to hang out at leper colonies. I'm sure He'd be pleased to learn that thanks to democrats, leprosy has been pretty much wiped out in the U.S., with only 5000 cases reported nationwide. Christ might then gravitate towards helping those afflicted with AIDS, who are as much societal outcasts as lepers once were. He'll probably encourage homosexuals to abandon their wicked ways and walk the path of righteousness - to which He'd quickly be told to walk the path right out of town. Who does He think He is, imposing His morals on everyone else?
Homeless and hungry, Jesus would wander the countryside, and probably start up one of those weirdo religious cults, like the Methodists. He'd devote himself to spreading His twisted idea that one must give up sin in order to obtain forgiveness - as if there's even such a thing as "sin". He'd quickly develop a following of reformed freaks and losers, hanging on his every word. Thousand of prostitutes, drug dealers, abortionists, and porn queens would give up their "wicked" lives to follow Him around like lost puppies, causing the California economy to all but collapse. Pretty soon, folks would get it into their empty heads that there's a higher authority than Jesse Jackson, Hillary Clinton, or Whoopi Goldberg. They'd start to falsely believe that Hollywood is not the supreme dispenser of truth and wisdom, and that the government isn't our loving Father watching over His children from above. Worst of all, people would start to think in strict absolutes of right and wrong, good and evil, male and female. Everything we progressives have worked so hard for will be gone, like dust in the wind (Kansas 19:77).
Come to think of it, nothing he says jives with what my transgendered lesbian pastor at the Universal Church of Tolerance teaches us about scripture. Hell, he's probably not the Messiah at all, but some kind of imposter - a power-hungry, rabble-rousing instigator trying to rock the boat.
How would Jesus vote? He probably wouldn't! It's those who follow him that I'm worried about. The authorities should do something about him before he causes any trouble.
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