Printed below is the proper preparation for the State Of The Union address tonight (circulating around, originator unknown). BTW, I noticed a full page Gun Owners of America ad for Ron Paul on p.225 of Shotgun News, 1/20 issue, also another full page ad on p.29 by "concerned Republicans in the firearms industry" AGAINST Rudy Giuliani. Seems the truth is leaking out.
NC ;o)
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The Eighth Annual G.W. Bush S.O.T.U. Drinking Game
Since January 2001, when our then-new President Bush gave his first
fake State of the Union address — it was actually a "budget message,"
as he had only been in the White House a few hours and hadn't yet
screwed up the country forever — America has gathered together for one
glorious evening each January for our most precious freedom. Yes, we
are talking about binge drinking while George W. Bush mispronounces
common words on the teevee.
This evening, Bush Junior will give his "probably final State of the
Union address," according to the Washington Post. That means we're
"probably" having our last SOTU drink fest with our beloved leader
before he escapes to exile in Paraguay. So let's make it "probably"
the best drinking game ever!
Pre-Game Commentary
Pick your channel, but make sure it's a cable channel and not one of
those lame old broadcast networks with their decorum and whatever. You
need to see actual crazy people such as Chris Matthews or Lou Dobbs or
Brit Hume jabbering about this dumb speech. If possible, watch all
three cable channels at the same time — and go ahead and reserve the
ambulance now, because calling 911 midway through the State of the
Union is like trying to call Domino's at half time on Super Bowl Sunday.
Take a demure little sip whenever anyone:
* Says "legacy."
* Brings up 9/11.
* Mentions the 2000 election.
* Mentions the Florida recount.
Repeat when Bush himself mentions any of the above.
Take a regular American-sized gulp if anyone mentions:
* Bush Sr.
* Katrina.
* Liberals.
* Global Warming.
Repeat when Bush himself mentions any of the above.
One shot of liquor when you hear the word(s):
* Subprime.
* Mark Foley.
* Dennis Hastert.
* Ted Kennedy.
* Earmarks.
Drink one shot simultaneously from three different parts of your
living room when somebody says:
* Lee Harvey Oswald.
Distinguished Guests
Take a solid hit off your drink when you see:
* Any noble public servants — teachers, nurses, etc. — who will
spend the rest of their lives in underpaid obscurity.
Do a body shot off the closest human or pet when you spot:
* Jenna and/or Barbara Bush
Have gay sex with someone or some thing when the camera stops on:
* Lynne or Mary Cheney.
Sullenly sip your Old Fashioned when:
* George H.W. Bush is shown all misty eyed in the audience, while
Grandma Babs laughs at some poor black people.
Distinguished Senators & Representatives
Finish your current drink when the teevee lingers on:
* Any member of the Kennedy clan.
Pull down your pants and hobble to the bathroom when you see:
* Larry Craig
The State of the State of the Union Speech
Okay, happy hour's over and it's time for our main event. You'll want
to assemble the drinking supplies close by the teevee, so you don't
miss a moment of this historic bullshit. Don't be the kind of
anti-American loser who needs to "find the salt" when things get ugly.
Be prepared. If you aren't ready to be American, we're sure France
would love to have you back. (Just kidding. They don't want you, either.)
It's George's last big speech! Prepare five (5) shot glasses per
person, and fill each with 1.5 (one point five) ounces of liquor. (If
you can't handle real booze, make five little margaritas or something,
and make sure to get your mom's permission first!) It is okay to chill
your liquor if that's what you like to do.
Behind this "surge line," assemble a second "surrender line" of
secondary beverages. If you like beer, just put the six pack right
there where it can't get lost. Winos will just need a bottle of wine,
uncorked and ready, and maybe a wine glass. Hell, put out a bowl of
rummed-up eggnog if that's how you want to act. You can also put a jug
of water on the floor under the table, by the gun, as long as nobody
can see it.
If you're Christopher Hitchens, just put the scotch on the table where
it always is, and drink as usual.
Take a regular drink when Bush:
* Dorkily praises Nancy Pelosi.
* Lies about the economy.
* Lies about the housing market.
* Lies about health care.
* Lies about Iraq.
* Lies about "energy independence."
When he looks all proud of himself for successfully, if awkwardly,
pronouncing a common three-syllable word:
* Drink one Shot.
Should he jabber about going to Mars or whatever the hell space stuff
that would maybe at best happen 15 or 20 years from now, when he's
buried in Paraguay:
* Two shots, chase with half a bottle of beer or three gulps of
wine, run around the couch three times flapping your arms.
He makes tragic examples out of various disaster victims brought here
by extraordinary rendition, like the people who had their town
destroyed by the Monster Tornado:
* Put a little liquor in your eye so you kind of start crying,
then drink what's left of the shot.
Wow, did our president make a light-hearted yet poignant totally
scripted thing about Jenna getting married and/or watching his little
girls grow up in the White House, where they've never lived:
* Three shots, but kind of gag on that last one and spit it up on
the couch. Order a pitcher of strawberry margaritas from your neighbors.
He patriotically notes the patriotic example of Iraq veterans missing
various body parts because they got blown up in Iraq for ever-changing
bullshit reasons:
* One shot, one entire beer, throw the empties at the teevee your
host.
Oh, and who is that handsome bulbous white devil behind the president?
Why, that's Dick Cheney! When he does "that grin," you must:
* Grab another person's shot, drink it, spit it in their eyes,
take their wallet, then have them arrested and tortured forever. |
