Satire
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Fed Expands Recognized Collateral Program at Discount Window
Saturday May 3, 11:52 am ET
SAN DIEGO (Bubbletown Post) - The Fed has released details about a new program of accepting collateral on a wider range of assets early into the weekend hours. The details have been released in conclusion of the deliberations between the Fed, Wall St. investment bankers, and a authority from the powerful Medellín Cartel have announced a plan to securitize the scheduled narcotics trafficking industry.
As a drug runner prepares to cross the border the success rate fluctuates wildly, but with this radical new move the Medellín Cartel will now be able to sell bonds through the New York investment bankers. This will go a long way to help them smooth out the operating profits on the carry.
Dean Fitzerberg from a reputable broker had been overjoyed when this was announced. He immediately figured out all the insider information he can access to enhance the gains. By paying off a few USA Border Control agents, he will have access to the current staffing and border holes. If the heat is heavy for a certain drug run, he can use these bonds as collateral with the United States Federal Reserve and obtain a non-recourse loan at 225 basis points. "I may just use these bonds at the Fed or otherwise sell them to people like grandma Millie in lieu of an annuity", said Dean. He continues, "I mean this is a trillion dollar market that we have been missing out on for the longest time. We are owed our fair share of eeking out commissions and transactional charges on this market to feed our bonuses that were due to be down since the housing bubble wind down".
"I think it is great to see the government holding hands with Wall Street to get their hands in this market. We have been in a full court press in the war on drugs since Nancy Reagan shined a spotlight in this direction. With this powerful combo and their track record of destroying everything they touch, this will surely lower the importation and usage of drugs in America. I mean, within days I would expect the cost of a simple dime bag of Marijuana to be out of reach of 90 percent of habitual users", said Molly Tentmaker, a concerned activist who you may have seen at the senseless pro-Tibet rally in San Francisco.
We tried to follow up the news with the Fed, but they were not accepting media inquiries into this matter. However, we got a notable Fed watcher, Richard Minshevsky, on the line. "This Fed action shows just how dedicated the team is to ensure liquidity across all markets and assure profits of International entities. Brilliance does not begin to describe this move. The timing of it so quickly after the Fed guarantees usage of their discount window to Swiss banks, Credit Card companies, and Auto loans specialists shows that they are out in front of any market friction. The next move I would expect, since there is little they won't take on as collateral these days, is for them to make a big move into the flea markets and friendly neighborhood power tools borrowing", he said.
In separate news, Congress has decided that they may consider expanding the discount window facilities to the general public. This should create a few million new jobs in the country. What a great time for America and its never ending ability to fix solutions by borrow and spend! |
