Oh the Lamaze classes!!!! I remember those!!!! My memory of the best and the worst:
THE BEST: The instructor informed us that PIZZA IS GOOD!!!! Add that to my OB introducing me to Blue Bell's Cookies n Cream ice cream, and you know why I went from a 112-pound Size 6 to a just-wrap-her-in-a king-size sheet-when-you-take-her-out blimp..I was stunned the day after CW was born to discover I DID NOT WEIGH 112 AGAIN! Indeed, I still weighed the SAME! It made no sense. All that work, all that stuff gone, and not only did I weigh the same, but I still LOOKED nine months pregnant. Ohhhh--God plays mean tricks on women.
The WORST: They showed us a film of a live birth. Including episiotomy. Now I ask you, why would God not give us that extra inch, huh??? Or make us a little more elastic??? Or put a little latched door in our tummies? Just reach in , pull out, relatch. You could do it on a coffee break. Another mean trick! I never got beyond the sight of that knife cutting through flesh. I grabbed Dan's arm-he probably thought I was being affectionate, sharing this beautiful moment.."NO!" I said.
"Isn't it amazing?" he asked-I swear he had a tear in his eye.
"I'm not doing this." I hissed. "I will not be cut open like a stuck pig. THis is disgusting."
"It's beautiful!" he said, looking at me with face aglow.
"Oh sure! Easy for you to say! Just look what they're doing to that poor woman!" I make the mistake of glancing at the screen again. I will spare you the description of what I saw, but I left the room and refused to return. Childbirth is not for wimps or the weak of stomach.
And it leads to serious addiction problems. I still can't go by the Blue Bell ice cream without feeling that desperate longing. |
