Even Better News:
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 24, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made
by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it
will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America
for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for
everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White
House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. The same with Janet Reno.
"Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're
doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation. |
