no fillee stopee, no minee stopee.
You know, old chinese proverb. no eat, no shit, no shit, die.
Truly tasteless, but occasionally hilarious humour:
* Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because all those men already have boyfriends.
* What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
* Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop to ask directions.
* What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex?
"Are you done?"
* What are the three words women hate to hear during sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"
* What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds.
* What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
* What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
* What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
* What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
* What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
Married.
* What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
* How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
* How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
* What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
* What are those small bumps around a woman's nipples?
They are Braille for "suck here."
* What's a man's idea of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging.
* What's the best way to make your wife scream when you're having sex?
Call her up and tell her where you are.
* Why do husbands die before their wives?
They want to.
* Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
* Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
* Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump female legs at cocktail parties.
* Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
* What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist
* What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job still sucks.
* Why are men are like public toilets?
The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.
* What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence.
* What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb nympho whose father owns a pub.
* What do you call a woman with no asshole?
Divorced or single.
* What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
* Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.
* What does a woman do with her asshole in the morning?
She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work.
* Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
* How can you tell if your husband is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
* What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.
* Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
* Why are brides dressed in white?
So they match the rest of the appliances.
* What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Re-cycle them into a tyre and call it a Good Year.
* Why is pubic hair always curly?
Otherwise it'll poke your eyes.
* What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.
* Why is the penis so depressed?
His best friends are two nuts who live next to an asshole.
* What do you call the useless piece of skin around a vagina?
A woman.
* What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, with a ten inch penis?
Partially disabled.
* What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?
Her legs.
* What's the difference between worry and panic?
About 28 days.
* Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
* What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
* What is the biggest problem for an atheist during sex?
She's not suppose to yell "Oh God, I'm ..."
* How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups?
Tell her she's pregnant.
* How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
* Why do women wear tampons when they skydive?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
* What is a man's worst nightmare?
Dolly Parton bottle feeding him.
* Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
Neither. The rooster came first.
* What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
* What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They can smell it but they can't eat it.
* How do you determine the sex of your (computer) mouse?
If there's a "pad" underneath, it's female.
* What is the difference between a rectal thermometer and a oral thermometer?
The taste.
* What can you assume when you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
Someone ran out of cement.
* What will it take to reunite Nirvana?
Two more bullets.
* What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?
"Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once."
* Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
* Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?
Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.
* What is the similarity between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
Both are made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with.
* What is Michael Jackson's favorite movie?
"Honey, I Blew The Kids"
* Why was Michael Jackson so excited when he first heard about Boyz II Men?
He thought it was a home delivery service.
* How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
* Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.
* Is it hard to spot the blind guy in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
* How did the blind girl burned the side of her face?
She answered the iron.
* How did she burn the other side?
Same guy called back.
* How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
* What's the most popular pick up line in a gay bar?
"May I push in your stool?"
* Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank?
He got caught drinking on the job.
* What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
"It's true, we really do taste like chicken."
* What do you give the blonde that has everything?
Penicillin.
* What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.
* What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
Nice tits!
* What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
* What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.
* What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
* What do you do when an Irish throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
* What do you do when an Irish throws a pin at you?
Run like hell...he's got a hand grenade in his mouth!
* Why did the Irish ice factory close down?
They lost the recipe.
* Why did the group of Irish stare at the carton of orange juice?
It said "concentrate."
* Why don't cannibals eat Irish people?
The last time they threw one in the cooking pot, he ate all the potatoes.
* Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
* What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them the harder they get.
* What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.
* What do you get when you put the energizer bunny's batteries in backward.
He keeps coming and coming and coming.
* How do you say "virgin" in Dutch?
Goodentight.
* What is the longest organ in a sheep's body?
A New Zealander's dick.
* What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
A twenty-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
* What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?They both circle Uranus looking for cling-ons.
* What do the Chicago Cubs and Pee Wee Herman have in common?
They both can't whack it in public.
* Did you hear about the midget that went to a nudist colony?
He kept getting in everyone's hair.
* What is a Mexican without a lawn mower?
Unemployed.
* What is the difference between a Mexican and a bucket of shit?
A bucket.
* What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a nigger?
Someone who is too lazy to steal.
* What's the hardest thing about fucking a 5 year old?
Having to kill them afterwards.
* Old Chinese proverb:
Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!
* How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.
* What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!
* What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
* Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
* What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
* How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
* What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!
* Why don't vampires go south of the border?
Because every time they suck a Mexican's blood, they get the vshits for a month.
* Why did they take the "911" numbers off police patrol cars?
Mexicans kept stealing the patrol cars, thinking they were Porsches.
* How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood?
The Blacks get car insurance.
* What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez.
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