Woman Kidnapped, Market Plunges
On Sunday, October 26, Ms. Janice Shell of Screum and Leevum was abducted from the streets of Milan while shopping for durian. A carful of plump bond traders lured Ms. Shell into their Fiat by dangling an odiferous fruit out of the window and inquiring "Would you like some candy, little girl?". Ms Shell, who had spent the afternoon with friends and some red wine, leapt at the opportunity.
The kidnappers took Ms Shell to an unnamed location where they held her captive. One kidnapper, on condition of anonymity, described what followed: "It was hell. Ms Shell was drunk as a skunk. She knows every Barry Manilow song by heart, and sang them all, loudly, over and over again. We suffered immensely. But it got worse. Rod McKuen. She knows all of his poems. When she finished singing "Mandy" for the 18th time, she recited McKuen's poetry. We had to leave. She was alone in our offices for hours, with our computers. This was a big mistake. Ms Shell sold every stock we own on Monday at the open. And then sold us short. Billions of dollars. Ms Shell demanded $15,000 US, or she refused to leave. We paid her." Italian police seek clues. |
