IMPORTANT NEWS RELEASED AFTER THE BELL>REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 31, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations
made
by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today
that
it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of
America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension
of
our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really
is going
to be
a positive arrangement for everyone. Besides, it'll be neat."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of
the
press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be
managed
as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering
is
planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected
to
be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft
president
Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had
"willingly
and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with
Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government,
reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up
the
mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred
to
it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track
record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full
support
and confidence".
Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000
annually
he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates
dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond
as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions
for
the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft
headquarters.
Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be
abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how
well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition
of
Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions
are
taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that
United
States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in
government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader
in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The
company
offers a wide range of products and services for public, business
and
personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and
more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of
personal
computing and free society every day. In a widely reported deal
this
year, the corporation acquired the Catholic Church.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most
successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of
democracy
and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington,
D.C.,the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft
Corporation.
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